Why Not Us?

It's A Girl

2007-01-24T17:32:00.000-05:00

Leah Brooke

born on Sunday, January 21, 2007 at 12:45pm

5 lbs 6 oz 19 1/2 " long

birth story to follow soon - I promise!

Thanks so much for the well wishes.

Ninth Inning.

2007-01-21T05:06:00.000-05:00

I may or may not be in early labor. It’s 4:18am and I’ve been up for 2 hours, experiencing cramping/contractions frequently enough to prevent me from sleeping. This is kinda crazy. (4:20 – contraction.)

I’m sorry to have kept those of you who keep checkin’ in on me without an update for so long. I’ve been quite fortunate that the pregnancy has progressed without any problems (knock on wood). Last Thursday my OB told me I was completely effaced and 1cm dilated and could “go at anytime.” I was NOT prepared for that –I had been counting on my 3 day MLK Jr. long weekend to get things in order. So, I negotiated with the baby, asked for one more week and got that. If this is indeed the real thing, I’ll be a week early, but now at least I’m feeling more mentally prepared.

D still isn’t so into the pregnancy. Over Christmas vacation I half-jokingly asked him “Won’t you love the baby?” and he replied “I’m sure I’ll love the baby; I just don’t know that I’ll love being a parent.” Hearing that distinction was a minor epiphany for me – I finally understood somewhat where he is coming from. I’ve known all along that all he can really see is what changes and sacrifices lie ahead for us; what I’m betting is that he is discounting the vast amount of love he’ll feel for the child and what that will bring him in return.

If this isn’t early labor and I’m just unable to sleep, I have one more week of work before I go on maternity leave. (4:29 – contraction.) I’ve arranged to be off completely through Memorial Day, and then return part-time for the summer. I’ve been training my cover for the past 2 weeks and really like her. We could probably use another week, but if it’s not to be than it’s not to be. I don’t know whether or not I will go back to work. I’m quite fortunate that I do not need to financially, and my boss has made it clear that he knows I may decide not to return. I just know that I have no idea what being a mother is going to be like, so I just want to wait and see.

I’ve hired a doula to assist me in the labor. I know I’ve paid her to be on-call, but I’m hoping I don’t have to call her before the sun rises! I haven’t woken D up yet either – figuring one of us with some sleep would be better than none.

Pregnancy is weird. I’ve gained 30lbs. What I didn’t expect was this feeling that appeared around 34 weeks of having (4:39 – contraction) this hard, bone-filled thing sitting at my mid-line. For some reason, I just always imagined it as soft and fleshy. I’ve kept myself in pretty good shape though – attending pre-natal yoga classes 2x per week generally and eating mostly healthfully.

About this labor thing, though. My intention is to try and get through it without drugs. I suppose because it seems to be healthier for the baby, but also because I don’t want to do anything that interferes with or impedes the progress of the labor. I am pretty confident that my body knows what it’s supposed to do; whether or not I’ll be able to withstand the pain without an epidural though is a different question. I’m not willing to close off all my options.

So here I am. Last MKL Jr. weekend I started Lupron for my first IVF cycle. The result of the second try is, g-d willing, about to be born into this world. The thought of it is enough to make me weepy. Granted, since Friday night my emotions seem to be (4:48 – contraction) easily triggered. I got upset and weepy when D moved my birthing ball from the living room; I got upset and weepy when D made a joke about being worth more dead since on Friday he increased his life insurance; and for the last week every time I listen to the song “What Sarah Said” by Death Cab For Cutie I get tears in my eyes.

I know I really should try and sleep, but having these contractions – which mostly feel like REALLY REALLY REALLY BAD menstrual cramps every 10 minutes isn’t conducive to sleep. The way they already feel make me pretty sure that there will be some vomiting and nausea as I go through this process.

I had this grand plan of baking brownies while in early labor to take to the hospital to, you know, bribe the nurses to be nice to me (and as an homage to Dramalish). I suppose 6am seems like the appropriate time to start something like that. My parents are in NH at the moment and (4:57 – contraction) that would mean a 7 hour drive for them to get here instead of the 4 from Boston. How soon do I call them? Can this really be it? It’s not like anything else I’ve felt….

I’m scared. And anxious. And excited. And have no idea what lies ahead. Thanks for tuning in and know that I wish you all happiness.

Been Meaning to Write This Post Forever....

2006-11-10T18:01:00.000-05:00

When I went home for Rosh Hashana back in September, I couldn’t help but think of how finally, this year, I was pregnant for the high holidays. For the past three years I sat in shul, always hoping that the next year I’d be holding an infant, or at least have the pregnant belly. Instead, I would flip through the prayer books, looking for Biblical names that I liked – or I’d read the stories of the Jewish matriarchs and ancestors. Last September (2005), I remember feeling quite strongly that every story in the Jewish liturgy is about infertility – Sarah, Rebecca, Rachel and Hannah all suffer.

Knowing that this affliction has been around since the beginning of Judaism did not make me feel better. What was particularly troubling, was knowing that I had done the same thing year after year. Thalia & Mony wrote about this also – how these yearly rituals which inherently mark the passage of time, are more difficult for us, the infertiles. And while I am so happy and elated to be where I am right now (28 weeks, 4 days), I still remember the ache and fear the pain associated with years of infertility.

In the Rosh Hashana service there’s a line translated that made me cry last year, and when I read it again this year, all the frustration and sadness came rushing back. Hannah’s husband says to her: Why do you weep? Why do you not eat? Why is your heart sad? Am I not worth more to you than ten sons?

To me, that was exactly what my problem was. My heart was sad. And I could never explain to D why I couldn’t be happy with just him.

I so wish for all of you still suffering trying to conceive, that next year your hearts aren’t sad.

The Best Birthday Present Ever

2006-09-21T16:32:00.000-04:00

Today is the big 3 – 5. The dreaded day when I, according to the medical world, become a woman of “advanced maternal age.” Screw that. This morning I ironed my cute little black maternity skirt and black & white maternity top, pulled on my knee high boots, and even put on eyeliner. I look adorable.

D is stuck working late again tonight, so I’ve made plans to go to dinner with some girlfriends. I was determined to make today a good day.

But a little while ago I got a call from the geneticist at the hospital, and she informed me that my baby’s chromosomes are completely normal. And the little one tested negative for spinal bifida. I heard the news and I cried. My make-up may have ran, and I may not look as cute as I did this morning, but it doesn’t matter anymore. I got the one gift I really, really wanted.

It’s a Happy 35th Birthday, indeed.

Another Two-Week Wait

2006-09-15T14:23:00.000-04:00

It looks like I picked the wrong week to stop sniffing glue.

This is one long rambling post – please forgive me. But here’s my latest saga for those keeping track at home:

On Tuesday I had my 20-week anatomy scan. The one that everyone says is so much fun because you spend tons of time looking at each little part of your bean – the spine, the heart, the brain, the kidneys, the bladder, stomach, each finger and toe, all get their close-ups. The original plan was for D to accompany me to the appointment, so that he could (in my mind, anyway) actually see the little alien growing inside. I was hoping that the ultrasound pics this far along would help him connect some to the pregnancy.

Alas, work became frantic for him and on Monday D told me he couldn’t go with me. This is the trade-off we make by having him work for big-city-law firm. So, to ease my anxiety I called my Mom in Boston and asked her if she’d come along. I thought it would be a great treat for them (if my Dad came too) to actually see their grandchild in the womb. And, g-d bless them, both my parents drove down from Boston Monday night to be with me at the ultrasound.

And the ultrasound was pretty cool, like everyone says. My sonographer was quite nice and would explain what body part she was looking at, and frequently used the words “perfect” and “beautiful.” Eventually my Dad figured out what was the head and what was an arm. The photo shoot took about 20 –25 minutes, and then the doctor came in. Can you hear the scary music playing now?

First he asked if I was going to have an amnio and I said no. Then, he told us that the scan shows “calcification in the heart” which is a marker for Down’s Syndrome. It doesn’t indicate a strong correlation, but that combined with the fact that I’ll be 35 when I deliver ups the odds of chromosomal abnormalities. In short, I should think about having genetic counseling and the amniocentisis.

This was not what I wanted to hear. But, at that moment, I took the news okay. I had a regular check-up appointment with my OB that afternoon, so I could discuss this with her then. My folks and I went to lunch, then to my regular doctor appointment. And here’s what she said:

Because I’ll be 35, the odds of a child with Down Syndrome are increased; but, she’d be more concerned if the marker of the heart was combined with some other soft marker – ie. A cyst on the brain – or a bad NT measurement.

Normal odds for a mother my age of having a kid with Down’s is 1 in 270. My quad screen blood work came back as 1 in 310. Not a hell of a lot better – but still considered negative by medical standards.

In this country one can only terminate a pregnancy before 24 weeks. It takes 2 weeks to get the results back from the amnio.

The amnio tells us with 100% accuracy whether or not there are chromosomal abnormalities in the baby.

There is a slight risk of miscarriage with the amnio. But, at the end of the appointment she stressed that I “shouldn’t be afraid of the amnio” and she wrote me up the referral slip so I could have it done, should I choose to.

So, I was left with the decision – have the amnio, with its slight risk of miscarriage and learn for sure one way or another whether or not this baby has Down Syndrome, or just wait until (s)he’s born.

Sure, my mind was racing with a million scenarios, but I felt fine in the doctor’s office. I felt fine as my parents drove me home. But when we parked the car so they could drop me off and we said goodbye as they left for home, I lost it. I cried and blubbered and didn’t know how to console myself. D got home from work around 11pm only to find me crying in bed.

I felt stupid for not having the amnio weeks ago.
Why did there have to be this stupid marker?
If I’d gotten pregnant when I wanted to I wouldn’t be giving birth at 35 and this would be a non-issue.

If I was this upset now, there was no way I could deal with the worry and the not-knowing for another 20 weeks. I decided to have the amnio.

On Wednesday morning I called to schedule it and was told that the next opening was 9/21 – my 35th Birthday. But there was no way I could wait another week for this test. As I started explaining that to the lady on the phone, I started crying. Again. And that’s pretty much how it went all day. She took pity on me I think and said she had someone else in my position and would work to squeeze me in. Later that afternoon I got an appointment for Thursday morning.

I made it to work on Wednesday, and when my assistant and then later my boss both asked me how the doctor’s appointment went, I started crying again. Crying at work in front of others is the worst.

On the other hand, everyone was quite nice to me – and when they learned that I had scheduled the amnio for Thursday morning and that, once again, D couldn’t come with me everyone offered to go along with me. I took my friend up on the offer and Thursday morning we met at the hospital. She came with me as I met with the genetics counselor and relayed my and D’s family history. And she came with me while the amnio was done.

I have to say, the meeting with the genetic counselor really put me at ease. I wish I had met with her (or someone) back in the beginning. If you’re going to be over 35 when you deliver, I highly recommend it. She came right out and said that if I were 34 we wouldn’t be having the conversation; that the marker may or may not increase the odds of Down Syndrome; that the odds of miscarriage from the amnio are miniscule – particularly at the hospital where I was having it done. And then it was time for the procedure.

For an IVF veteran, having an amnio is no big deal. I firmly believe that once you’ve had a needle puncture you’re vaginal wall to extract eggs from your ovaries – you can handle any physical pain. The amnio needle seemed to be like a plain ole sub-q shot. The doctor swiftly injected it about 2” below my navel – and you can see it all on screen via ultrasound. It looked for a second like the needle was way close to the baby, but really that was only because I couldn’t visualize the depth – I’m sure the needle was way on top and the baby many inches below. I think he filled about 3 vials (I was surprised that they needed so much) and then he withdrew the needle. It feels like I’ve got a nice bruise there now – just like what happens from Repronex – but otherwise I’m fine. IM shots are WAY worse.

So now I wait for results. Everyone yesterday gave a different time frame – something between 8 – 14 days. I find myself, however, assuming that all will be fine. Results will show that my little one has 23 perfectly paired chromosomes. 46 total – no more, no less. And I’ll be able to relax for the rest of this pregnancy.

Yeah right.

FAQ

2006-09-08T15:41:00.000-04:00

I’m so sorry for not posting frequently. Something’s happened to my motivation and I’m not sure what it is. Don’t worry though – so far all is well. And here are the answers to what you’ve probably been wondering.

How far along are you? When are you due again?

Today I’m officially 19 weeks 4 days into my pregnancy. The estimated day of arrival is January, 29, 2007 – but I’m counting on a February baby.

How do you feel?

Knock on wood, I’m doing okay physically. The nausea left as it was supposed to and I think my energy level is fine. For the last 4 weeks I’ve been doing prenatal yoga twice a week, so I overall I feel good.

Do you look pregnant? How much weight have you gained? In maternity clothes?

These questions seem to be the favorite of my family – probably because I was pretty petite to start off. But yeah, I’m in maternity clothes and have a belly. Most people meeting me would probably be playing “Pregnant or pudgy?” upon looking at me – if I’m not wearing a maternity top, but for those that knew me it’s pretty obvious. Two weeks ago D said to me as I was getting ready for bed “Your stomach is huge” - and that was just at 18 weeks. I’ve gained about 10 pounds – or 10% of my body weight.

Do you know the sex?

Well, the big 20 week-anatomy scan is next week so if I wanted to find out the sex we could on Tuesday. But, I don’t want to. At least, that’s what I’m saying now; I reserve the right to change my mind when I’m actually undergoing the ultrasound.

What tests have you done?

Besides the nuchal translucency, I had blood drawn for the quad-screen test at 16 weeks. Fortunately, the results came back negative so I was not advised nor felt the need to do an amnio. Hopefully everything will look perfect at the big ole ultrasound next week.

Have you felt the baby move?

Ummm – maybe? Last Saturday night for an instant I swear I felt that “fluttering” that everyone speaks of – but mostly I just feel this constant heaviness in my abdomen. And, I don’t know if this makes me crazy or not, but since just shy of 17 weeks I swear I feel contractions consistently. They don’t hurt – it’s just this tightening of my uterus that lasts for maybe a minute. I made D put his hand on my stomach during one and he could definitely feel the hardness of it. I don’t understand how every woman doesn’t feel these?

How is D? How are you and D?

I have to say, lately me and D have been great together. No silly bickering or fighting – just niceness and love. It’s really been splendid. I think subconsciously we must realize that this life together as just a couple is about to end, so we’re trying to make sure we appreciate it while we can.

D himself is doing much better over all, which obviously has a big effect. His work schedule hasn’t been crazy so that automatically puts him into a better mood. He’s dealing with the Celiac stuff – still kind of a baby about it at times if you ask me, but he’s got a routine down now. And he’s exercising again, which also greatly impacts his mood.

As far as D and impending fatherhood, well, let’s just say I think half of him is in denial and the other half is scared of it all. I’m pretty sure he’s frightened of my pregnant belly. The idea of an infant throwing up or pooping all over him gives him the heebie jeebies. At this point, he still says he’d prefer not to be in the delivery room. But, while I might prefer he be more involved and invested, I do believe that once the baby is born everything will change.

How about those Red Sox?

Oy! My poor boys of summer. All I can say is, I hope the MF Yankees don’t make it past the first round.

I think of you guys often, even if I can’t get myself to sit down and write. Hoping things are good out there in your corner. And if I didn’t answer what you really want to know, post the question and I’ll add a response.

Milestones.

2006-08-02T16:41:00.000-04:00

This is my 100th post. I’m not as prolific as many bloggers out there, so to have written 100 times about me – and to have people respond to these posts that many times, is something worth noting. Not necessarily an achievement – but monumental to me nonetheless.

And even more monumental is that this week I am officially 14 weeks pregnant – officially in the second trimester. The nausea has subsided somewhat. The breasts and belly have grown. I think some of the fear has dissipated, while the anticipation is heightened. But most thankfully, the happiness continues.

I shared the news with everyone at work last week, and all were really congratulatory and happy for me. It was even kind of fun to do. I liked walking into people’s offices and saying “I have news” – watching their faces expect me to say that I was quitting, and then being relieved and happy when I’d say that I am pregnant. I did feel the need to tell everyone “this was a long time coming” and if they wanted more details I explained that we did IVF.

But all in all, since the bleeding scare, things are good. I had a very brief OB appt. last week, had another ultrasound and saw the baby and the beating heart.

And even better, D has been in a good mood these past few weeks. Not any more excited or involved with the pregnancy, but so much happier overall and therefore fun to be around again. It’s been great.

I’ve kept a diary in some form or other since I was in 8th grade. A little over a year ago, this blog became my latest version. And whenever I go back and reread my entries (which I love to do), it becomes abundantly clear that I write more when I’m depressed and stressed and disappointed than when I’m happy. So, from now on, if you don’t hear from me for awhile, assume that NBHH. I promise to keep you informed of all the milestones we hit along the way.

Why is it so easy to imagine the worst?

2006-07-17T17:16:00.000-04:00

On Saturday morning I woke up, went to the bathroom and ended up staring at a dime or nickel sized blood clot in the toilet. When I wiped there was definite brown blood. I went back to bed for half an hour. Got up again, went to the bathroom again, and found more brown blood. I went to tell D that I was bleeding and started sobbing.

I called the doctor’s office, which of course was closed at 8am on a Saturday morning, and left a message with the service. Within 5 minutes the doctor on call phoned me back, listened to what I had to say, and said I should come to the hospital for an ultrasound and exam.

When I told D that I wanted him to come with me, he called his office and let them know he was going to be late. We then proceeded downtown and the entire trip I could only imagine the worst: how unfair this was; how ironic that it should be happening 2 days before I hit 12 weeks; all the people I was going to have to notify.

But once I got to the hospital, and the nurses were actually treating me nicely, and D was making me laugh, I calmed down some. I actually could plead to whomever was out there to let it all be okay.

And it was.

I had the ultrasound and it showed the baby actively moving, with a nice strong heartbeat. They did an internal exam and said my cervix was closed and that the blood didn’t seem to be coming from my uterus. My cervix was red and inflamed – but nothing bad. I was told to take it easy, avoid strenuous activity, and to not have sex. And I went home feeling happy and relieved.

The bleeding seemed to have subsided yesterday. But it appears to have returned this morning. It’s still not bright red (or really, any shade of red) and I’m not cramping (although I do feel an isolated cramp or abdominal tug periodically). By chance, my First Screen Test (that makes me sound like a wanna-be actor, but really it’s the nuchal translucency ultrasound and a blood draw to determine one’s individual odds for giving birth to a baby with specific chromosomal birth defects) was today, so I was headed to the hospital for an ultrasound anyway.

Again, it showed the fetus moving around inside me, with a heartbeat of 155bpm and no sign of where the blood is coming from. The nuchal translucency measurements showed everything as good, but I was told by the doctor that I shouldn’t bother with the blood draw part of the First Screen, as since I was bleeding and because there was a twin at one point (the empty gestational sac is still there), any results I got wouldn’t be accurate. I don’t understand why this is the case, nor do I understand why my doctor sent me to have the test if it wasn’t going to give us an indication one way or another. But I’m trying to cope with the fact that there aren’t answers to everything.

So, the NT exam showed everything was good – and by now the bleeding seems to have stopped. It’s just upsetting that even though I’ve now reached 12 weeks, I still don’t feel like I’m in the “safety zone” because of the bleeding. I guess the question really is: will I ever feel like I’m in that safety zone?

Time Marches On

2006-07-12T17:26:00.000-04:00

Today I’m technically 11weeks, 2 days pregnant. I have good days and bad days, nausea-wise. On Saturday I had my first public puking incident. I haven’t had any scary spotting incidents (knock on wood). And I met with a real live OB/GYN for an actual first OB prenatal appointment.

The OB appointment was fine. My doctor was particularly concerned about me (or any of her patients) putting on too much weight. She recommended avoiding fruit juices and plain carbohydrates. As a pretty petite girl, I told her that honestly I was more concerned about not putting on enough weight. So, that’s the first piece of doctorly advice I’m ignoring.

She also asked me (again, because I’m a mere 5’0 tall) what my shoe size was! Thankfully, my answer of 6 was a good one – apparently if my answer had been 5, she would have been more worried about my ability to have a vaginal delivery.

Other than those out of the ordinary traits, the visit seemed pretty standard. She gave me a bunch of brochures on the various tests I can have done (I guess I’m considered to be of “advanced maternal age” since if all goes well I’ll be 35 when I deliver this baby). Blood was drawn, and a urine sample taken. And I had a pap smear and an ultrasound.

The ultrasound showed that embryo #2 had gone away. No more heartbeat. No yolk sac. Just the sliver of an empty, black, thin gestational sac next to the full one with a healthy, on-target size-wise embryo with a strong heart beat. It’s amazing how #2 just vanished without a symptom or sign. And it’s amazing to me that #1 is on board.

So, I’m pretty happy these days - tired a lot, but happy. My parents are over-the-moon. My friends are thrilled for me. D, however, not so into this.

He’s had a tough time of it work-wise, lately. July 4th was his first day off in months – literally. He’s not what one would call “involved” with the pregnancy. As an example, he went out with some friends last week whom he had told of our successful IVF soon after we found out. They, of course, asked him how far along I was and when I was due. D had no idea. Honestly and truly couldn’t give an answer.

I’m surprisingly okay with that, at least for now. I know my girlfriends think it’s bad and are worried about me/us – but I’ve tried to explain that this is how D & I work. I do the planning, whether it’s for our wedding, a vacation, moving into a new apartment – and if I need D I let him know. It doesn’t mean that this is how things will be once there’s an actual other human being to take care of. It’s just how things are now.

Sure, I’d love it if he wanted to read how the embryo was growing every week and how big it should be now, but he doesn’t want to know that. He wants everything to be okay and tries to help me if I’m feeling sick, and for now, I’m happy taking it all as it is.

I Feel Like Crap, But I Guess That’s Good

2006-06-27T15:41:00.000-04:00

Here’s how a typical conversation of mine goes these days:

Dad/brother/close friend: How are you feeling?

Me: Pukey (note – this is my clever way of not having to remember whether nauseated or nauseous is the right word (it’s nauseated, right?)

Dad/brother/close friend: Good!

I haven’t been able to master the balance of full stomach vs. empty stomach needed to stave off the nausea. I think I’ve been doing a good job at eating healthfully – but it seems that every hour I need to be noshing on something otherwise I start feeling ill. Fatigue is omnipresent. And the heartburn and gas that come along with no warning are not helping matters. The other day I was in a Barnes & Noble, and literally had to stop in my tracks on the way to the register while I literally bowled over with pain from a bad gas cramp. There was a manager near by who stopped giving instructions mid-sentence as he watched me fearfully. It passed, and I managed to check-out, but then I had to run back up 3 floors to use the bathroom. Blech.

But I’ll happily take it all and suffer through it. I’m just so grateful to be here.

This morning I called my insurance company to pre-certify and enroll in their “Maternity Care Program.” Tomorrow I have my first appointment with the OB. There still are moments where I can’t believe that I should be doing these things. But then the nausea creeps up and it’s not imaginary at all. And that’s good.

Doris Day Had It Right

2006-06-18T14:24:00.000-04:00

The good news is that embryo #1 looks “perfect” to quote the doctor. Heartbeat was at 151 bpm and on my 7w4d (s)he measured 7w2d, or 11.7mm. Isn’t (s)he just adorable?

The sad news is that it doesn’t look like embryo #2 will stick around. (S)He only grew a little bit (not enough apparently for my RE to bother measuring), and the heart rate was well under 100 bpm – so on screen it just looked like a flatline. It saddens me, but que sera, sera. Part of me feels a little responsible for its demise – as if perhaps my being scared and worried about a twin pregnancy had an effect. I know that is crazy and stupid and not at all true, but we all know how emotions don’t listen to reason.

On the other hand, I’m feeling better today than I was on Friday. Less upset, more hopeful and excited. I’ve been reminding myself that the RE’s goal of an IVF cycle is a singleton live birth. A vanishing twin this early in the game shouldn’t have any impact at all on the remaining embryo. Apparently it happens 30% of the time. And honestly, if I get a healthy baby 32 weeks from now, I’ll have won.

So, I’ve been released from my RE’s care. I’ve been relieved of PIO injection duty. I actually made it through 6 weeks of IM injections without a single lump in my tush. My first appointment with a plain old Ob/Gyn is 6/28. Until then, I just have to take things as they come. Whatever will be, will be.

The Post Where I Respond To Anonymous

2006-06-14T17:55:00.000-04:00

Anonymous’ comment on my last post:

Shame on you. You expected support when you were in need before but now you cannot be there for the pain and loss of others? Shame, shame. Do you think your good luck (and that is all that it is) can be contaminated by others' pain and grief??

What defines a blog troll? Is the person who left me the comment above a troll? I tend to think so since she didn’t leave a name or way to identify herself.

I also think she missed the point of my previous post. Didn’t I write that I “feel guilty for being a lucky one”? Doesn’t that imply that I know my current state is due to good luck?

I’m also not certain that anyone who writes a blog expects support. We hope for it – and for that sense of joining a community, but I also think that we understand when it is necessary for whatever reason for someone to disappear from the community for awhile. There are no contracts signed when you start a blog, or post on another’s. Except that I would hope anyone reading would respond with compassion and courtesy. The old adage “if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all” should always apply.

And finally, sadly, I DO think that I can be “contaminated” by other’s pain and grief. While I wouldn’t personally use the word “contaminated” – I certainly know that I have been affected by the tragedies that have befallen those fellow bloggers that I’ve been following for some time. If the failures of others don’t hurt, than the successes wouldn’t give hope, and the sense of community in the IF blogosphere wouldn’t exist.

To those of you who responded to my last post before anonymous, I thank you for telling me that you are still reading and want to hear the good news that’s out there. It means so much to me to know that.

Hopefully I'll have some more good news to share soon.

7 weeks (But who's counting?)

2006-06-12T16:10:00.000-04:00

I know I haven’t been writing. I'm sorry.

Part of it is due to typical IF survivor’s guilt, and part of it is that I’m scared to hang around the blogosphere. There’s too much bad and not enough good, and right now I don’t feel particularly well equipped to handle the bad. I’m trying so hard to maintain my optimism that this pregnancy of mine will be okay, that reading of others’ misfortune not only terrifies me, but makes me feel guilty for being a lucky one. And I feel bad about that, because I want to offer my support to those in hard times, but at the same time I don’t want to force them to think of me and the fact that (so far, knock on wood) I’m doing okay. So, please forgive me if I tend to be quiet for awhile…

As for the update for those of you that are curious:

Friday I had my second ultrasound, when I was officially 6w4d. There were indeed still 2 gestational sacs, and each sac had an embryo, each with a beating heart. One embryo measured perfectly on target at 6w4d, but the other one was behind, measuring only 6 weeks. It’s only a matter of a few millimeters, but the doctor said (as we all know) it could go either way. I keep telling the little one to stick around, but only time will tell. I return again on Friday to see what he decided to do.

Meanwhile, towards the end of last week typical pregnancy symptoms have started coming on strong. My breasts feel achy and tingly and the nausea has begun. In fact, for your pleasure I present my list of things that have made me gag or want to gag in the past 72 hours or so:

1. The juices spilling from a hamburger grilling
2. The smell of fried eggs in the morning
3. Brushing my teeth
4. Flossing my teeth
5. Riding a crowded subway
6. Putting a crochet hook in my mouth
7. Putting a pen in my mouth
8. JERSEY BOYS winning the TONY for Best Musical (okay that wasn’t morning sickness-y, but really, it makes me sick).

Still Scoreless - But Coming Up to Bat

2006-06-07T11:58:00.000-04:00

Last night in the top half of the eighth inning, the Red Sox were down a run to our arch rivals the NY Yankees. Big Papi had just struck out and Manny was in the middle of his at bat. I patted my lower abdomen as is my new habit and told the embryos that they had to start cheering for the Sox now, ‘cuz the boys needed some help. And on the very next pitch Manny sends a shot 399 feet to the left field wall which really should have been a home run, but instead Yankees outfielder Melky Cabrera makes an amazing catch and robs us of the hit. I told my uterus tenants that they did good – and that next time surely, when they’re a little bigger, the ball will fly that extra distance to put the run up on the board.

- - - - - - - - - - - -

In case you didn’t pick up on it, the ultrasound last Friday showed two gestational sacs. They were the same size, right next to each other. My RE didn’t look for a fetal pole or yolk sac or anything, I just go back this Friday and hopefully will see two embryos wriggling inside their sacs.

I’m a little nervous about what the ultrasound will show and am trying hard not to count on anything. Reading of Thalia and Pamplemousse and Kris's experiences has me a bit shaken. It’s still the first inning after all, and we all know anything can happen.

5w2d If HCG Is To Be Believed

2006-05-31T17:04:00.000-04:00

I’m still pregnant.

Today’s blood draw showed an HCG level of over 11,000, which calculates as a doubling time of 1.65 days (or 39.6 hours). PHEW.

I guess I’m doing okay. For most of the past week, I’ve been really, really happy. I spent the weekend in Boston with my family, and my parents are really, really – bursting from the seams - happy. I’ve shared the news with them obviously and my brothers, and my closest girlfriends who all knew the IVF schedule. D’s told his best friend and that’s it.

What’s surprised me the most is how optimistic and positive I am about this turning out okay. Perhaps it shouldn’t be a shock, as before I encountered infertility I was a glass-is-half-full kind of girl. So while I’ve been qualifying any talk of due dates or later stages of pregnancy, I’ve found it much easier than I ever anticipated using the “p” word. I think I’ve been waiting SO long that now that I can I almost always do.

On the other hand, I’m not without worry. Last night I woke up at 3:30am for my typical bathroom trip and couldn’t fall back asleep. I tossed and turned convinced that the few symptoms I do have (bloated abdomen, gassiness, hungry alot) had disappeared and that today’s blood draw would show bad things. Part of my fear may be because I haven’t been able to stop thinking about Thalia (if you haven’t already shown her some love and support, please click on over), and how none of this is fair or logical or makes any sense. And part of the fear is because I am so much more aware than I would have been if I’d conceived three years ago of all the terrible, terrible things that can happen.

So, overall, I’ve just been waiting patiently for someone or some sign to give me the all clear to move ahead. I’ve been too superstitious to call my ob/gyn for that first appointment and I haven’t yet called my mother-in-law or sister-in-law with the news. I think that, if, knock on wood, Friday’s ultrasound is promising than I can proceed.

While I was in Boston, I visited with one of my closest friends whose son will be 2 in July. Her husband cooked me a fabulous meal and they admitted that they were completely excited about my pregnancy and wanted to talk all about it. It was fascinating, because I’d always heard that once you’re pregnant every woman wants to regale you with the stories of their pregnancy – and here I was, a mere 4 weeks 4 days “with child” and already they were treating me differently. It really was like they’d been dying for me to get admitted to their fancy-country club and now that I had they couldn’t wait to talk about how perfect the water in the pool always is and which cabana boys they prefer.

I was a bit at a loss. I was so grateful for their enthusiasm and joy, but I don’t think they’ll ever understand how this is going to be a different experience for me. I told them how my first ultrasound is Friday and my dear friend started talking about how great they are, and how she didn’t even have to undress, but just rolled the waistline down a bit. I had to smile and explain that, “yeah, um, that’s not what this one will be like.”

On the other hand, I really don’t know what this one will be like either.

Where Do I Go From Here?

2006-05-24T15:55:00.000-04:00

Officially I’m 4 weeks, 2 days pregnant. Holy. I don’t really know what to do with that fact! I felt so informed and knowledgeable about the ttc process, and the various ARTs – but what do I do for the next (knock on wood) 9 months? I’m surprised that I feel so hopeful and sure. I expected to have much more anxiety. Granted, I worry about bad things going down, but NBHHY and I have no reason to expect it to.

I’ve been lucky with this IVF cycle. It seems to have gone according to textbook. I haven’t had any spotting or bleeding (again, knock on wood). Any symptoms I had I thought/think are really progesterone side effects: bad abdominal cramping and gassiness, mainly. I’ve been hungrier than usual, but I think that just might be psychosomatic.

Monday, while I was waiting and waiting and WAITING for the phone to ring with the results, I had worked myself up into thinking it hadn’t worked. That day I started having bad menstrual-type cramps. I had maybe had a couple here and there over the previous weekend, but on Monday they arrived in full force. When the nurse finally called after 4pm, I honestly was scared. It would have been much better if she had started the conversation of with a “Congratulations!” Instead the call went something like this:

Me (knowing exactly who was calling thanks to the wonderful technology of caller ID – and thankfully in my office alone since my assistant had stepped out for an appt): Hello?

Nurse: Is Melanie available?

Me: This is. (Simultaneously thinking –“Just tell me – tell me – yes or no? tell me!!!!”)

Nurse: Hi Melanie, I’m……..calling……….from………Cornell…….with………the……..results……….of……………your………….pregnancy…….….test. A long pause for response.

Me: Okay.

Nurse: Well………….your…………..HCG………… came………. Back…………..at ………………251. Which is a nice high number, so congratulations!

Me: (In a fair amount of disbelief) Thank you! Thank you!

The nurse then went on and gave me the estadiol and progesterone levels – which I wasn’t expecting at all. And she mentioned how the progesterone level was good, but on the high side so she was going to check with my doctor to see if I should reduce my nightly PIO dosage. She then asked who my doctor was and when I told her she said:

“I can’t believe it. He’s going to be SO mad that I called another one of his patients.” I then offered to pretend that she hadn’t called me – and secretly I’m glad the nurse called, because I had it in my head that a nurse would be calling if it was good news and my doctor if it was bad.

So, what’s next? I called my doctor’s assistant and scheduled an appointment for Friday, June 2 for a blood draw and my first pregnancy ultrasound. On Tuesday I’ll have another blood draw to make sure the numbers are doubling appropriately. After that, I don’t know what to do.

D is doing okay. He wasn’t particularly lovey-dovey or excited by the good news. He’s “happy that I’m happy” and I’m sure he’s majorly relieved that he doesn’t have to deal with a mopey Mel in his state – and that it finally worked. But as for the being excited about the result in itself – not so much. And that’s okay. You all are so sweet and encouraging with your kind comments, that it makes me feel supported. As have my real-life friends and parents who are thrilled beyond words.

Thanks for sticking with me this far. I hope all you fellow IFs who are currently pursuing treatment or are continuing to reach this moment soon.

It’s A Whole New Ball Game

2006-05-22T16:29:00.000-04:00

HCG: 251
E2: 942
Progesterone: 79 (after googling I'm changing this - even though I swear the nurse said 179)

I’m overwhelmed at the moment. Relief. Excitement. Pure joy.

I know it’s only the first inning, but the score looks good to me.

Passing the Hours

2006-05-18T16:04:00.000-04:00

I stole this from Spanglish to help pass the time...

20 years ago I . . .
1. was a freshman in high school.
2. got my first period.
3. pegged my jeans and wore my socks over them.

10 years ago I . . .
1. moved to New York City to get my MFA.
2. started speaking with D regularly on the phone again after having not done so for three years.
3. gave up my career as a stockbroker.

5 years ago I . . .
1. won a 7 day all expense-paid vacation for 2 to Europe.
2. made D still go on the vacation even though he had just torn his achilles tendon and was on crutches.
3. married D on the Sunday of Columbus Day weekend.

3 years ago I . . .
1. started trying to get pregnant.
2. watched my little brother cry as he married his wife.
3. got to swim with dolphins while on vacation.

1 year ago I . . .
1. started this blog.
2. realized that we were going to do IVF. And I found out that, fortunately, if we switched to D’s health plan 80% of the costs would be covered.
3. bought our first apartment.

So far this year I . . .
1. have had 36 eggs harvested from my ovaries.
2. learned that my husband has Celiac Disease and that there’s a 10% chance our children will have it.
3. crocheted my first baby blanket.

Yesterday I . . .
1. saw Tarzan – The Musical. (All I can say is – don’t.)
2. got to eat lunch with D after I picked him up after he had an endoscopy.
3. gave myself the PIO shot again and ended up with blood spouting like a Saturday Night Live sketch as I withdrew the needle.

Today I . . .
1. talked to my Mom for the first time in 3 weeks – since my parents just returned from their trip to China. I’ll make sure to catch up with Dad tonight.
2. had to get up at 5:45am to head back to Cornell for a luteal phase blood draw. They test progesterone on days 24 & 26 (assume retrieval day as day 14) for possible use in future cycles. No one will call with the results of the test.
3. have to call my cousin to tell her that D won’t be able to attend her daughter’s Bat Mitzvah with me next weekend because he’ll have to work.

Tomorrow I will . . .
1. have my last full Friday of work for the summer! Summer hours start the following Friday, where we get to leave at 2pm for each weekend!
2. either get my hair cut or have dinner with some cousins who are expected in town (I made the hair appt. but forgot that I might be meeting up with the girls).
3. only have 2 more days until I find out if this IVF worked.

In the next year I will . . .
1. be a mom – damn it.
2. hire an interior decorator to help me figure out what to do with our living room and some other places in the apartment that need help.
3. turn 35, oy.

In the next minute I will . . .
1. Post this to blogger.
2. Check to see if the Yankees are still losing.
3. Think about actually doing some work.

Plus 3

2006-05-17T16:48:00.000-04:00

I got a call from an IVF nurse last night to tell me that they had ended up freezing 3 more of our embryos at the blastocyst stage on day 7. So that's 7 total frozen. All this good news is only making more hopeful of our current chances - and therefore, if Monday brings bad news it will be all the more devastating.

3dp5dt

2006-05-16T16:48:00.000-04:00

I’m feeling optimistic. Excited. I don’t want to jinx this thing, but I think this just might work. An added benefit of a 5 day transfer is that the 2ww is pretty much cut in half. I go in for my beta on Monday. MONDAY! I don’t plan on testing before then.

So I’m in a good place. The happiest place I’ve been in in a LONG time. And D is “happy that I’m happy,” but other than that not so interested or invested in what’s going on. I can’t understand why he doesn’t stare at the picture of the blastocysts with the expression of awe that I do. Or why he doesn’t (when we’re actually in the same room – which isn’t happening very often now that his work has monopolized him) want to put his hand on my stomach and tell those embryos to implant and grow and divide, like I am constantly doing. But what actually upsets me is that he didn’t understand how nice it would have been for him to say he wanted to come to the transfer procedure with me on Saturday. It would have been nice if he could have offered some moral support, since obviously I was quite capable of handling it solo physically.

And there’s probably a part of me, if I’m completely honest with myself (and you), that’s proud of myself for not needing him; for being able to do this all on my own (well, maybe not all – but definitely the majority). The past 2 nights D has had to stay at the office well past our designated 11pm PIO shot time – so I’ve given myself the IM shots. It actually hasn’t been so bad in the physical sense, and I’m proud of myself for being able to do what needs to be done. But if D could have been there, it certainly would have been easier. And I think that about sums it up.

Transfer Day

2006-05-14T13:51:00.000-04:00

It’s done. Two are in. And that’s all that matters.

It all went pretty smoothly. I had acupuncture done before I left for the hospital and as soon as I got back. I think I walked into the OR at 3:10pm, saw the picture of the blastocysts on a big video screen, and was being wheeled to recovery at 3:22. For me, the transfer procedure itself wasn’t very different from the plethora of IUIs I had.

What was surprising to me is that no one discussed anything with me first. I got up on the table, the doc said we’re putting in 2, the embryologist brought them over when the doc was ready – told me they were “beautiful” (what parent doesn’t think its kids are beautiful?) and that was that. I got the souvenir photo to take home. I wish I understood better what I was looking at in the picture. There seems to be a thin white veil covering parts of each embryo – what is that exactly?

D did not accompany me to the transfer. Sure, he had to do some work from home, but there’s no doubt he could’ve come if he wanted. He just didn’t want to. I actually think that dealing with him this week has been the hardest part – well, once I got the fertilization results. And that’s saying a lot. I think I’ll write more about D later, because for now I still want to concentrate on the good that’s happening.

Right now I don’t know if any of the remaining embryos made it to freeze. Next to the picture of the blastocysts they gave me, there’s a chart of transfer information which states the following:

Oocytes harvested: 19

Mature oocytes: 18

Normally fertilized: 17
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Transferred: 2

Cell Stages: Blastocysts

Cryopreserved: 0

Will be watched: 15

Unsuitble for transfer, freezing or observation: 0

And that’s all the information I have right now. It appears that all 17 fertilized eggs made it to yesterday? Is that even possible? They said they’d call today with how many, if any, would be frozen, but I’ve yet to hear. But this information makes it awfully hard for me not to be excited and optimistic. This should just work, don't you think?

updated: I just got word that they were able to freeze 4 blastocysts. That's comforting too.

Blasting Off.

2006-05-12T12:47:00.000-04:00

Tomorrow is scheduled to be transfer day. I got the call from the nurse yesterday to show up at 2:30pm and to keep taking the tetracycline. No other information. I have no idea how many of the original 17 fertilized embryos are still growing, dividing and thriving. I’m just hoping that at least 2 of them make it ‘til tomorrow afternoon.

They should right? I figure, even if 50% failed to make it to day 3, that left 8 on Thursday – so if another 50% fail to make it through tomorrow, that should still leave 4 to choose from. Of course I know that things could still go horribly awry and I could still end up with nothing to transfer. But NBHHY.

The main advantage for me, as I see it, in doing a blastocyst transfer as opposed to a three day embryo transfer, is that my embryos will be entering the uterus in the same developmental stage as they would have been had we conceived through sex. I just figure my embryos will be coming in through the garage instead of the front door. Either way, they’re still coming home. Please let it be for a long, long stay.

Tada!

2006-05-09T12:52:00.000-04:00

All last week when I’d leave work and walk across the plaza I’d have to stroll by the spectacle that was David Blaine and his silly “Drowned Alive” fishbowl. Last night in an attempt to break the world record, he apparently held his breath for 7 minutes, 8 seconds. People might think this is a daring feat, but I say p’shaw. I feel like I’ve been holding my breath for 2 weeks straight.

A few minutes ago, I finally exhaled. The IVF nurse called me with fertilization results. Yes – a nurse called me – not my RE. And, she called with actual fertilization results. Relief, hope and maybe some excitement seem to be washing over me. It’s pretty promising: of the 19 eggs retrieved, 1 was immature. They used ICSI on the 18 remaining and 17 fertilized. The nurse said I could open my own kindergarten.

So now, I wait. They won’t call me until the morning of the designated transfer day. It may be a day 3 transfer (Thursday) or it may be a day 5 transfer (Saturday). But surely there should be 2 transferable embryos. This is the closest I’ve ever come to being pregnant. I don’t know about David Blaine, but right now I feel like I’ve performed the biggest magic trick of them all.

Retrieval Redux

2006-05-08T16:34:00.000-04:00

I made it through another retrieval. They got 19 eggs. And should be ICSI-ing all of them. I don't remember being in this much pain and discomfort last time around.

Anyway, for your viewing pleasure, I share with you the special underwear I bought last December to wear to retrieval and transfer (I bought 2 pairs). I know it didn't help last go 'round, but we're thinking optimistically here:

For the goyim out there, the front shows the hebrew letters which are on the 4 sides of a dreidel. They stand for the saying that's printed on the back:

And I wore purple fuzzy socks (under the ones the hospital made me wear). Anything to make me feel special, I guess. My RE was the one actually performing the retrievals today, which was nice. I especially liked that he chose Green Day's American Idiot as his O.R. music.

So....I'm waiting. Waiting to see if fertilization happens. Before my turn this morning (because I'm always last) while I was waiting the other 2 women (there were only 4 retrievals scheduled today - last time I think there were 12!) were lamenting the upcoming 2 week wait and the IM shots. And all I could think was "I hope I get there."

I'm so hoping this IVF cycle is like The Empire Strikes Back. You know, better than the original.

One Year Later

2006-05-06T16:23:00.000-04:00

It’s my blogiversary.

One year ago I created this space so I could become part of the IF community. I hoped that I’d have some readers who followed my story and helped me along. I didn’t expect to be here, where I am, a year later. But I’m so glad I decided to jump in the fray of the blogosphere. You’ve picked me up in my worst moments, offered advice when needed and made me laugh when I didn’t think I could. I’ve learned much from all of you – about infertility, sure, but also just about relationships and life. The different perspectives and outlooks you all provide are enlightening. I truly thank you.

Good News.

2006-05-04T14:39:00.000-04:00

Well here’s something: D’s urologist called me at home last night at 9:30pm to give me the results of D’s semen culture. No signs of infection; No white blood cells. Now there's nothing wrong with D's sperm. So, hopefully ICSI will work. And hopefully we’ll have two perfect embryos to transfer. And hopefully at least one of those will implant. And grow. And become a real, live human being. Hopefully.

My RE did the wanding this morning, and as I anticipated, he thinks Monday will be retrieval day.

I’m starting to get scared and nervous and excited. Please, oh please, let this cycle turn out differently.

updated to add: today's instrux - reduce follistim to 75iu. E2 is 1316. Even the nurse said I'm getting there...

Daddy’s Little Girl

2006-05-03T12:24:00.000-04:00

I realize that I haven’t been blogging much about this current IVF cycle – especially as compared to the first round where I gave pretty much daily updates. The upshot is that things are progressing ostensibly like they did last cycle – just stimming a bit more slowly. I’m about one day behind where I was last time around – which I think is what my RE was aiming for by cutting the Repronex and having me on bcps for a month. I’ve got a bunch of follicles between 10 and 15mm and yesterday’s E2 level was in the 500’s. I expect to make it to retrieval around Monday or Tuesday – maybe Sunday.

Physically I’m doing okay. My stomach feels kinda “full” or “tight” at times. I get headaches – but if I drink enough water they seem to go away or not appear. And giving myself the shots has gone smoothly enough. So, on the outside this IVF stuff is going along great.

Emotionally, well, is a little different story.

Darling D is still hibernating in his cave. Except now, work seems to have added a boulder to the front opening, making it even harder for him to emerge. He had to work both days this past weekend and so far this week he’s not gotten home until well after I’m asleep. When I do see him, the last thing he wants to do is discuss what’s bothering him, so I still don’t know what it is that’s driving this deep depression he’s landed in. It’s frustrating for me and isolating. I feel alone and excluded since he is unwilling to share with me what’s troubling him.

I’m not angry with him for this, but I do resent that there’s nobody out there right now looking after me as I go through the shots, the monitoring and all the rigmarole of an IVF cycle. Isn’t there someone who can ease my burden right now?

And that’s where my dad comes in. He and my mom are currently vacationing in China so it’s not like they can come over and make me dinner. But yesterday morning I checked my e-mail and there were 2 messages from him. The first was to the extended family and friends group detailing their arrival and their plans. The second was to his children (children in-law included) and just said:

Hi, hope you guys are all well and esp in NY; Don't be afraid to write; We love you and will communicate again soon. Love Us

That silly little message means SO incredibly much to me. I cried when I first read it, and I’m crying now as I write this. The “especially in NY” reference – the acknowledgement that we’re in a tough place at the moment, the hope that we are doing okay. All of that I need. I want it from D, but he can’t provide it right now, but my Dad comes through all the way from another continent. What my father does for me better than anyone else in the whole world is make me feel loved unconditionally. I am so lucky.

Tagged.

2006-05-01T17:31:00.000-04:00

I got tagged by waitingline last week to write 6 weird/unique things about me, and I don’t want her to think I was ignoring it. So, even though I gave you 100 previously, here are 6 more – starting with some changes to the original list:

1. (Based on the original #7) I stopped volunteering reading to kids at the homeless shelter after my first IVF cycle failed. It was very difficult to be around those mothers and the kids.
2. (Based on #57) I had to stop watching The O.C. – although I still adore Adam Brody. My new favorite show was Arrested Development, until the stupid executives at Fox Television thought it wasn’t worth renewing. If you haven’t watched it – you must. It’s the funniest show that’s ever been on television.
3. (Based on #73) I’m no longer a registered Republican. When we moved to the new apartment and I had to update my voting records, I couldn’t check off the box and say I believe in either political party right now.
4. (Based on #80) So, now D and I both own ipods. What’s strange is that some of my favorite things to listen to are the old mix tapes that people had made for me back in the day, and which D spent an inordinate amount of time transferring onto the hard drive on our computer. There’s also a tape of my last college radio show which I love listening too; but hearing all these tapes also causes waves of nostalgia.
5. I think Bob Costas is the man. He knows something about everything. If I had that fabled dinner party where you could invite anyone in the world I’m inviting him and Steve Martin.
6. I’m having a really hard time coming up with that which is weird about me. I don’t know that anything I’ve written is weird – yes, it’s part of what makes me, me but is it weird? I’m not sure.

Updated:

Okay - this morning I thought of 2 weird things I do:

1. When I blow-dry my hair in the morning I combine it with the Pada Hastasana yoga pose. I get a good stretch AND my hair feels more bouncy!

2. When I brush my teeth I get bored just standing in front of the mirror - so I tend to walk around the house doing little one-handed tasks or go all the way to the living room to watch t.v.

Those are weird, right?

Looking For A Date

2006-04-28T14:58:00.000-04:00

Hey - if anyone out there is interested and can meet me in Times Square tomorrow afternoon, I have an extra ticket to see this musical. Seriously - email me and we can coordinate a meeting time.

Going Forward

2006-04-28T11:58:00.000-04:00

We’ve moved on. Or, we’re moving on. I’m back to my blasé state about this IVF cycle.

As it played out, the urologist called back both D and me Wednesday afternoon. I had called there and didn’t take the “Emily Gilmore” approach of berating and yelling at the assistant who answers the phone and can’t tell me anything, but rather the “please be nice to me and help me because I’m on the verge of tears and will really lose my mind if I can’t get answers” approach. He’s a very nice man, and did his best to appease me.

But what it comes down to is that, since we don’t have the results of a recent semen culture (NOT analysis – which is what the stupid lab had done), we don’t know what D’s white blood cell count is, nor if there’s an infection present. It very well could be that the antibiotics wiped out the infection and his wbc count is normal – in which case ICSI should certainly work. Of course, that may not be the case. But, the urologist went on to explain that although D’s wbc count was high at 2 million (normal is 1 mil.), there are actually some people who think that having a wbc count between 2 – 4 million is good – so just having an elevated wbc count is not reason enough not to move forward with IVF-ICSI. In addition, the lab at Cornell that did D’s first semen culture that gave us the 2 mil. wbc count, doesn’t stain the cells – so in reality some of the 2,000,000 wbc could actually be immature sperm cells because immature sperm cells look like wbc. Can you even follow all this?

None of this, of course, factors in the possibility of the infection still being present in the semen. He told me that there appeared to be some streptococcus (or some such coccus or other) in D’s last sample – and if it’s still present, it may or may not be eliminated from the new round of antibiotics D is currently taking (normal IVF protocol calls for the male donor to take doxycycline leading up to retrieval, but the urologist is having D take erythromycin instead). Furthermore, even if some bacteria remains, there is no conclusive evidence one way or another to prove whether or not ICSI will work. The urologist’s gut feeling is that it won’t be an issue. And so we slog ahead, none the wiser.

Meanwhile, Wednesday morning we arranged to deliver another sample to be tested - this time to the regular old Quest lab not the Cornell lab. I brought it there myself, along with the paperwork that the urologist’s office had faxed over. When dropping it off I made sure that they understood which tests were to be done – at which point the lady taking everything looked closely at the prescription I had brought and said she didn’t know whether it was a “semen culture” test or a “semen analysis” since the doctor had only written “semen” on the script. I pointed out to her that below that there were specific instructions for various cultures – so didn’t that mean it was to be the culture and not the analysis? To which she replied – “Oh no – those tests are done by swab at the doctor’s office or from a urine sample.” And so I call my new best friend, the urologist’s assistant and explain that the lab can’t understand the instructions given. She, of course, needs the doctor to call and explain but he’s in with a patient, but she promises she’ll have him call the lab to explain. So I wait. And wait. 45 minutes later I call again – he’s still with a patient. The only reason I’m okay with waiting is because I’m pretty confident that the sample needs to be cultured – and therefore timing is not of the essence. If it was supposed to be a semen analysis I would’ve been screwed. 10 minutes later the lab gets a phonecall and the urologist explains to the lady – who was very nice to me, just apparently didn’t know all that she thought she did – that indeed it was to be a semen culture and that all those specific cultures listed can, in fact, be tested from a semen sample. It seems that I spent an hour at the lab because the lady at the desk was wrong and created a problem when there really shouldn’t have been one. But in the end it got straightened out – no harm was done and we should have the results next week. Not that the results really even matter given everything I wrote above.

SO…our second ivf cycle is here. Today is considered Day 5. I’ve been taking my 200iu of Follistim since Wednesday night. This time around I’m giving myself all the shots and this time I’m just doing it in the abdomen. It’s been okay. My numbers from the Day 3 blood draw were good:
E2: 18
FSH: 3.2
LH: 1.2

It’s all going to come down to how the fertilization goes. Maybe I should start a blog pool – you know, the person who comes closest to guessing how many viable embryos for transfer we end up with could win all my left over medication! Anyone want to wager a bet?

Not Good

2006-04-25T13:48:00.000-04:00

OH MY F#$%ING G-D.

Apparently the stupid bloody lab didn’t do the right test on D’s sample. So we have no freaking idea whether or not his white blood cell count is high or not. And if it is, D’s urologist says that it may be an indication that the DNA integrity is sub-par and therefore, even if ICSI worked and fertilization occurred, normal growth of the embryos might not follow.

So where are we at the moment?

We don’t know what D’s wbc count is.
If it’s bad I don’t know whether or not to try IVF right now.
I’m furious with the urologist’s office for not ensuring that D’s sample got tested properly. I’m furious with the lab for not performing the right test. I’m upset with my RE for many, many things:

1. Telling me the result showed it was still high (what was he looking at if the test wasn’t done correctly?)
2. Why does he seem to think that ICSI will solve all the problems if the urologist says differently?
3. Why, oh why, didn’t he refer D to a urologist years ago?
4. Why didn’t we ICSI some of the eggs last time?

Shouldn’t my RE and the urologist be discussing things and presenting a unified front? I tried to arrange a conference call between the two of them and D and me for today, but of course, the urologist is “in the lab this afternoon” so that isn’t possible.

And none of this takes into account what’s going on between me and D. Remember how when we first found out about D’s diagnosis I knew it was going to alter our modus operandi about how we deal with all this treatment? It certainly has. Not only am I upset about all of the above, D’s anger is probably threefold. So, who’s there to be the calming, soothing influence? No one. And when D is going off on his rant, I have to try very, very hard to not take it all personally. It’s hard for me to recognize that he’s not mad at me – even though I’m the one that chose the clinic and the RE.

But Jesus Christ – it’s Cornell. Isn’t this supposed to be one of the best places for IVF in the country? What else can I possibly do to see that we’re getting all the attention we need.

Whatever

2006-04-24T17:05:00.000-04:00

I am surprisingly lackadaisical about this cycle. I’ve been taking .2cc of Lupron nightly since 4/13, but haven’t been so particular about the exact time of injection. In fact, twice last week I went to the theater and knowingly missed the allotted window of injection by, up to maybe, a half-hour. Whatever. I highly doubt that it impacts my chances of success at all.

I had been spotting pretty consistently the last week on birth control pills. But I really wasn’t concerned. Yesterday was day 3 and I reported to the office for the obligatory day 3 ultrasound, blood draw and of course, the upfront payment of the money. While waiting an hour for all of the above, near the end there was one of those women who brought her adorable one year old into the waiting room. There were 2 women sitting near me who were quite upset about the child’s presence. I understood where they were coming from, as I’ve felt that way too – but I didn’t yesterday. Yesterday it didn’t matter. I was all “Whatever.”

The results of yesterday’s visit were fine: E2 less than 20, lining @ 4, between the 2 ovaries the wand monkey revealed at least 8 follicles less than 10. So on Wednesday I add the Follistim. I am excited to be starting again – finally – but whereas last round I had so many fears (of which #15 came true – so at least I know they weren’t unfounded), this time I only have one: #15 of course.

Yes, we’re doing ICSI so that shouldn’t happen. But D gave a new sample last week (post his 3 week antibiotic course), and it still showed a high count of white blood cells. While my RE says that ICSI will compensate for that, we haven’t yet heard that from the urologist (because getting him the test results is way harder than it should be), so until I actually hear that we’ve created fertilized embryos, this is all just a big whatever.

Fight the Power

2006-04-21T11:57:00.000-04:00

Excuse me for indulging in a little political activism. Below is text from and a link to the NARAL Pro-Choice America website. Please take a moment to support the Senators in their action to help FINALLY get approval of Plan B passed.

President Bush recently nominated Andrew von Eschenbach to be FDA commissioner, giving us a unique opportunity to finally end the FDA’s politically motivated delays in approving the morning-after pill for over-the-counter sales.

Senators Hillary Rodham Clinton (D-NY) and Patty Murray (D-WA) have declared that they will block von Eschenbach’s nomination until the agency decides whether to approve Plan B® for over-the-counter sales.

Today, you can help support them in their stand. Thank Senators Clinton and Murray by clicking on this link and sending them a letter of support.

Stupid Genes

2006-04-18T14:52:00.000-04:00

Thanks everyone for all your kind comments. They really made me feel better.

I hope everyone enjoyed their holiday weekends, whether or not you were celebrating Passover, Easter and/or Patriot’s Day. I went up to Boston on Wednesday to celebrate the Passover seders with my family, and even got to take in an excellent Red Sox game at Fenway Friday night. I spent Saturday in CT visiting my pregnant best friend. All the while I was hoping that dearest D would find a way to emerge from his cocoon by the time I arrived home on Sunday. Alas, it was not to be.

I will admit that his head has poked out from time to time, and some laughs have even ventured forth, but he’s still sad, sad, sad about his life. I find that when the person I love most in the world is sad, sad, sad about his life, I can’t help but feel like it’s my fault. I mean, aren’t I supposed to be his light and soul and all that romantic stuff? Isn’t my love for him supposed to be enough to make him feel like he can conquer anything? Shouldn’t the strength of our relationship and the deep feelings we have for one another be all that he needs to feel that life is good? Alas, it is not be.

Instead, poor D feels like his life sucks and that his genes are crap. So strongly does he feel this, that he asked me to consider whether or not we should use donor sperm. Not because he thinks his sperm won’t be able to do the job (in fact, he said “it’ll probably work this time”), but because he doesn’t want to pass on Celiac Disease to his children.

I was floored. My immediate reaction was a big, huge NO. D is the man I chose to marry. It’s his genes I want mixed with mine. Then I thought, maybe I am being too Pollyanna about the ramifications of this disease. I started to feel selfish for saying D has to pass on his genes. Maybe it would be extremely traumatic to a kid and to us to have a child with Celiac. But in the end, I want a child that is mine and D’s. Just as we both hope our kids have my hair, not D’s, we’ll hope that it won’t be gluten-intolerant.

We both really do think this IVF cycle will work. D’s infection should be cleared up and they’ll ICSI all the eggs. We’re so close now to getting what I’ve wanted for so long I can taste it. I began Lupron last week, and take my last BCP tomorrow. Stims should start next week. If we decided we wanted to use donor sperm, I think it would mean having to skip this cycle – I doubt we could figure out that procedure in the next 3 weeks – and that makes me even less inclined to contemplate it. But, mostly, I don’t want to think about having a child that’s not biologically D’s. For the last couple of weeks I have been imagining our family – me and D and a child that has Celiac Disease. I’m okay with that. I know I could take care of him/her. I’m going to learn how to take care of D. If he’ll let me.

Back to Life, Back to Reality

2006-04-10T17:03:00.000-04:00

I’m sorry I haven’t posted in a bit. Since returning from vacation things in our household have been kinda, well, tense. I’ll do a post later on the vacation itself, particularly on getting to meet the gracious and charming Donna, but for now I need to write about our current situation.

Last Wednesday D found out that he has Celiac Disease. He is not taking the news well. I don’t really know what he’s thinking or feeling because he won’t – or can’t as of yet – talk to me about it, so I can only surmise what he’s feeling. And I don’t think it’s that he’s just upset about never drinking beer or eating a bagel again – from short quips that he’s made I think he’s not doing well with thinking of himself as being sick. He doesn’t suffer from any of the digestive symptoms of celiac, so in his most pessimistic moments he thinks that switching to a gluten-free diet isn’t really going to help him feel physically better. But the more I think about it, I think D’s going through a kind of identity crisis.

He has almost always prided himself on being healthy; he became a vegetarian when he was 18 because he thought it was healthier. He reintroduced fish and chicken into his diet in the last couple of years because he thought it would be healthier for him. He exercises regularly. So I think between his eventful visits with the urologist, and now the internist deducing he has this hereditary disorder, he’s feeling like someone else. He’d already been complaining about feeling too old, so if you add in all these pills he has to take and the large number of doctor appointments he has to make, I suspect he’s feeling like his body is acting like that of someone much, much older than his 35 years and he’s feeling cheated. And now that I write all of this out, I suppose I can’t really blame him. Which is a bit of a surprise, because for awhile over the weekend I definitely was.

My poor D.

And none of that even takes into account the possibility that our infertility problems lie within him. It’s no wonder he’s retreated far, far into his cave. I just hope he comes out soon.

Do You Know The Way To San Jose?

2006-03-25T21:54:00.000-05:00

In the middle of packing and wishing that D would step away from the TV and start packing himself. Such happenings going on in blogland - I know I'll be suffering withdrawal. I'll be thinking of you all and sending good wishes your way (especially you girls about to go into labor or transfer embryos into your hospitable uteri).

As we used to say at my sleepover camp each Saturday after havdallah: HAVE A GOOD WEEK, A HAPPY WEEK AND A HEALTHY WEEK!

New Protocol – New World Order

2006-03-22T16:22:00.000-05:00

Well, today is cycle day 1. I start bcps tomorrow. D started anti-biotics, as prescribed by the urologist, today. As of now, I think once he has completed the course of the anti-biotics, it’s fine for us to go ahead and do IVF-ICSI. He’s got other issues, apparently, that have to be addressed, but the urologist thought it fine for us to proceed as previously planned. This, of course, really only leaves me with an additional thing to worry about: namely that the antibiotics fix it so ICSI will work. Really, I’m not going to feel good about this cycle until I get a good fertilization report.

And that seems a long way off right now. I’m supposed to take the pill for 28 days, much longer than I expected. I’m to take only the active pills – so skipping the placebo ones for the last week and instead using a new pack. When I move to the new pack I start injecting the Lupron. Then wait the 10 – 14 days for my period to show up, then go in for my day 3 scan to make sure all is well so that I can FINALLY start stims again. So retrieval (knock on wood) is probably due to be the second week of May. MAY for Chrissakes! Oy.

Over the last few days I keep vacillating between thinking that the doctor will be able to fix what ever it is that has prevented us from conceiving for the last 3 years and that maybe we’d actually now be able to conceive without, gasp, medical help to thinking that ICSI isn’t going to work and why are we moving forward at all.

Having suddenly found causes of our infertility has caused us to look at everything differently. Whereas last week I was proud of myself for going to acupuncture and starting to exercise again, now I’m thinking – none of this even matters. On the other hand, D is feeling, and I quote, “misshapen and deformed” and he hasn’t even been told that there’s something structurally wrong with him. Body image problems are NOT just for females.

We leave for Monterey, California on Sunday for our much-deserved vacation and I so hope that D will be able to forget all this stuff and enjoy it. I’m sure that as long as he’s happy, I’ll be happy. Plus, I get to have lunch with the beautiful, intelligent Donna and meet her person! If anyone else out in the Monterey area wants to meet up, e-mail me!

When I Run My Fertility Clinic

2006-03-17T14:18:00.000-05:00

When I run my fertility clinic….

The moment the female partner is signed up for an HSG exam, the male partner will be required to meet with a urologist specializing in male infertility.
If you’re diagnosed with “unexplained infertility” and 7 IUIs didn’t work and you go through IVF and over 6 eggs are retrieved, I’m ICSI-ing half the eggs and leaving the other half to fertilize regularly.
There will be a complementary breakfast spread of Dunkin’ Donuts (‘cuz this is MY clinic and I prefer them to Krispy Kreme’s) and juicy, ripe fruit plus decaf and regular coffee, and a variety of tea available to all my patients who are in for their morning monitoring. And real milk and half & half will be available – none of that gross creamer-powder stuff.
There will be 2 separate waiting areas for the morning monitoring (each with the above spread): one with a child-play area so those patients bringing their children are separate from those adults that don’t want to see anyone under 20 while they’re cycling. The nurses will know where to find you when it’s your turn.
The doctor performing the wanding each morning will always, upon entering the exam room, extend his hand and introduce him/herself or say “Hello Patient’s name” if s/he has seen the patient before. The introduction is then always followed by asking “Do you have any questions for me?” before the doctor even touches the ultrasound wand.
After the u/s, the doctor will give a summary to the patient about what s/he’s seen, what s/he’s thinking the next steps will be, and general status update. This will be followed by another asking of “Do you have any questions for me?”
Phonecalls will be returned that day.
We will accept any insurance plans that cover our services (being out-of-network is stupid).

That’s just the beginning of course. I’m trying to keep it somewhat realistic. But I’m sure you all have your own ideas. So write ‘em in on the comments or make your own blog entry because I’d love to hear what else we could fix.

Beware the Ides of March

2006-03-15T16:17:00.000-05:00

So D had his urology appointment this morning at 7:00AM. Poor guy had to get up so early, and unfortunately, it didn’t go well. Silly me thought they wouldn’t be able to come up with any other reason for the failed fertilization. Instead, they apparently came up with several possibilities, and therefore D has to undergo more testing.

He’s quite unhappy. I haven’t really had much time to discuss this with him personally, but I think he’s upset not about having to undergo more blood draws and exams, but for other, more emotional, reasons:

The machismo factor – I think he feels like he’s less of a man somehow.
The husband factor – I fear he feels guilty that all this IF hardship is due to him.
The bad patient factor – if this is something that he’s been living with for awhile, I think he feels stupid about not getting it checked out years ago.
The bad doctor factor – if this is something that he’s been living with for awhile, I think he’s upset that no doctor before this one ever thought to explore the possibility before.

In yet one more example of “Be careful what you wish for,” we now have a possible explanation for our infertility. As much as I wanted a real, hard verifiable reason, I didn’t want it to be male factor. And the reason why I didn’t want it to be male factor is completely selfish.

As much as I truly believe that infertility is no one’s fault, I think that we still tend to place blame. And I don’t mean blaming your partner, but blaming oneself. If you can blame yourself than you don’t have to worry about hurting anyone’s feelings, you can rant and rave at the unfair injustice of it all and not have to worry that every barb you sling is silently hurting someone else, because that someone else can only think “if it wasn’t for me there wouldn’t be a problem.” I think I’ve been blaming myself all along, and D has been my support. If we’re told now that the problem is with D, I fear that our modus operandi for dealing with the grief and frustration of infertility is going to change – has to change. And at this late stage I think it’s going to be quite an upheaval.

I don’t really know what any of this means. D has asked me not to tell anyone, so I’m afraid I can’t share the specifics with you. I don’t yet know if the possible problems mean we can’t do ICSI, or that ICSI won’t help us. My brief googling sessions didn’t bring up any reason why ICSI wouldn’t work, so I’m still hopeful that we’ll be able to go ahead with IVF as planned next month. I’m just worried now that D is going to feel so guilty and/or depressed that it’s going to be much harder for him than last round.

Why, oh why must boys equate manliness with conceiving a baby?
Oh right, women do that too.

Window To My Soul

2006-03-14T14:06:00.000-05:00

Well, with not a lot going on with me on the trying to conceive front, I'm putting the links below here in the hopes that you'll all (lurkers too!) participate. I saw it on Manuela's blog first, and was immediately interested in it. But I think what's spurred me on to finally do one for myself, was attending a Remembrance service yesterday for Wendy Wasserstein. Sure, she was a famous playwright, but what came out of all the loving speeches and tributes to her was what made her such a special person and friend. Hopefully, it'll be a long, long, LONG time before there's any kind of memorial service for me, but I'd like to know how my friends (in real life and the blogosphere) think of me now.

Thanks for indulging me.

Mellie's Johari window
Mellie's Nohari window (for the negative too)

Boys

2006-03-09T16:50:00.000-05:00

Some random stories I’ve been meaning to share:

A couple weeks ago I called an ~~ex-boyfriend~~ old friend for our bi-monthly (as in every 2 months or so) catch-up call. He is, of course, father to a 15 month-old girl and his wife (now 39 years old) got pregnant soon after they started trying. I had the pleasure of telling him about our failed IVF cycle and our future plans for trying. His response was “Just do it. Don’t worry about the money – spend all you can. Don’t give up.”

I didn’t really know how to respond. I had expected typical assvice from him – after all, when I first told him of our difficulties years ago his first question was “Whose fault is it?” But to tell me not to give up, well, I just didn’t expect that – ‘cuz it’s not assvice really. It was heartening in a strange way. Sure, part of me was all “Easy for you to say,” but if I’m honest with myself I have to admit that I liked hearing it. It was almost exactly what I wanted to hear because I’m not ready to give up yet. I have to believe that if we keep trying one of these days it’ll work. That money isn’t what I should be concerned about; that in the end, it will all be worth it.

So, since that phone call I’ve been constantly replaying his instructions in my mind. Wise words can come from the strangest places.

* * *

And then there’s my D.

He was completely oblivious to what IVF really meant the day before retrieval. He just wanted to know what time his appointment was going to be. When I told him that I wanted him to stay with me he was a little perturbed (he at least had the good sense to know that he landed himself in hot water for that, though he didn’t know why). Then, when we got off the bus the next morning to check-in at the hospital, D started walking towards the clinic doors, and it was than that I realized he had no idea how different this egg retrieval/IVF process is than from the past IUIs we had done. I had to inform him that we weren’t going to the same place as we had for the IUIs, but to a hospital, where I would be under general anesthesia while they pierced my vaginal wall to remove the eggs. I think then he finally realized what a bigger deal IVF was.

The morning after they retrieved my beautiful 17 eggs, as we lay in bed before receiving the bad news from my doctor, we had the most realistic conversation yet about IVF and parenting and pregnancy. It was the first time that I felt like D was invested at all in the outcome of a cycle. He asked what we would do if I ended up pregnant with twins (“keep ‘em and hope they make it) and then what would we do if I ended up pregnant with triplets (“Silly D, I won’t BE able to get pregnant with triplets – the most we’d put back is 2”). We talked about what I should do the day of the beta test (“I’m not telling you the result over the phone. I’m coming to your office ‘cuz either way I’ll need you"). It had been a really nice morning. For the first time, I think D really thought that this would be it.

Then, of course, the bad news came. And he comforted me admirably. That afternoon, as we lay back in bed, he started talking about future tries. He started asking about other options and even brought up donor sperm (“You could use real Jewish sperm!”). I, tearful already because of our failure, and then even more moved that he’d consider such things, could only respond with “I can’t talk about that stuff yet.” And my darling D was, of course, fine with that. He had only been “thinking aloud” and didn’t mean we had to DO anything.

Honestly, I think I’m incredibly lucky that D isn’t dying to become a father, because if he was as equally devastated I’d I feel the need to be brave and strong and I don’t think I could do that.

Meanwhile, he’s got an appointment with a urologist next week. We’ll see if anything new comes of it. I don’t expect it will, but regardless the two things I’m sure of are:

1. I couldn’t have found a better man for me than D
2. I’m not giving up.

Losing Grip

2006-03-03T15:46:00.000-05:00

Earlier today I was walking across the plaza to buy lunch while listening to Avril Lavigne (what of it?) on my ipod sing:

You weren't there when I was scared I was so alone
You, you need to listen I'm starting to trip,
I'm losing my grip and I'm in this thing alone

And all of a sudden the tears that I’ve been holding back burst forth. I’ve been feeling sad and down all week, and had been able to brush aside those feelings – but today they couldn’t be reined in. I don’t know what it is exactly, but I suspect it stems from feeling useless.

This is an adjective I’ve used to describe myself to D before – and he always berates me when I say it. But it’s hard not to feel this way. I’ve had NOTHING to do at work for over a week now. I’m not needed there. D makes all the $$ we need anyway, so why do I even bother working? And we all know about my attempts to become a mother - instances where my body really has shown just how useless it can be.

I’m sure this doom and gloom stems from being stuck in another holding pattern. Plus, I’m becoming less optimistic about the results of the next IVF cycle and more scared that ICSI isn’t going to be our salvation. I’d been so good recently about getting myself psyched up – hell, I’ve even been to 3 pilates/yoga classes this week – that I guess I was due for a crying jag.

I wish I could say it helped.

Frustrated, Inc.

2006-02-28T17:37:00.000-05:00

Nothing like billing and insurance to make one completely frustrated.

Last night I received the claim forms from the clinic’s billing office that I’m supposed to send in to my insurance company for reimbursement. The claims total $7,050. I paid $8,900 up front – so shouldn’t I expect to get claim forms s totaling $8,900 to submit for reimbursement? I left a message this morning before I left for work, but of course haven’t heard back. Maybe there are more forms coming to me in the mail, but I’m worried that this is going to be just the first hassle in getting any reimbursement.

And then there’s my acupuncture. I sent in some forms to my insurance company to see if they’d reimburse any part of it. I didn’t expect that they would, but the longer I waited the more I got it into my head that they would. Of course, today I got the rejection. But it wasn’t a complete “no” – the claims were denied because they don’t have enough information. Apparently if I submit peer research on why acupuncture is beneficial they’ll reconsider my claims. This should be great news considering that I know there are many studies out there that validate this – but how do I get my hands on them? Anyone out there have any ideas? Just in the journal Fertility and Sterility there were at least ten – but I don’t want to shell out $30 a pop for something that my damn insurance company should be doing the research on. The whole point in getting this stuff in the first place is to save money!

Grrrrrr.

I’m also a little frustrated by my vacation plans. Trying to choose a hotel is driving me mad. Here are the details – and I welcome any input and itinerary advice:

I promised D for Chrismakah that he could go to the Skip Barber Racing School and learn to drive Formula One race cars on the famed Laguna Seca. We haven’t had a non-family vacation since 2003 (coincidentally, right when we began this ttc stuff) so a few days in Monterey seem like a good plan. Then we could drive down the pretty, scenic PCH (although, I gather it’s not officially PCH in Northern CA) to Los Angeles and visit D’s father and some friends. So that’s the plan.

We’re flying into San Jose Airport on 3/26 and will drive to LA on the 3/30. But where oh where to stay and what will I do while D’s racing laps?

Here are my thoughts, and honestly, I welcome everyone’s two cents.

At the moment I have 2 hotel reservations – 1 in Monterey at the expensive Monterey Plaza Hotel and 1 in Carmel at the much more reasonably priced Carmel Valley Ranch. Ideally, we want a room with a pretty, pretty view and I’d love to be able to indulge in some spa treatments while I’m there, as well as maybe a few dips in the pool and a pilates class or 2. I’m also thinking about driving up to Santa Cruz (I think it’s about 45 minutes north?) and partaking in some surfing lessons ‘cuz I really had fun doing that during our last vacation. Other than that, I guess I’ll just spend my days wandering the streets of Carmel and/or Monterey – so I don’t know whether I should be within walking distance of the cute, quaint shops or not.

And D is, as always, content to leave all the vacation planning to me, so I'm left feeling the pressure of possibly ruining the holiday by choosing the wrong place. That's overly dramatic, but I do want this to be a good time for us. We deserve it.

Two Great Things That Don't Work Together

2006-02-22T16:05:00.000-05:00

Remember when you all thought I had it together and was being so strong? I sort of relapsed over the weekend. I don’t know what happened, but starting Friday night and all of Saturday I was one mopey, forlorn gal. And I couldn’t explain why. D asked if it was “For the usual reason?” and I couldn’t even say it was. But isn’t it sad that I have a usual reason? The usual is supposed to be your daily drink, or your daily lunch order – not the daily reason for tears. By Saturday night I was thinking that perhaps my mood was mostly due to my hormones – could I just be premenstrual? And sure enough my period arrived in her red splendor by Monday. The cycle of IVF #1 is officially over.

Fortunately, my mood has picked up somewhat. We met with my RE yesterday and discussed both the failure and the future. I learned that rescue ICSI can only be done if failure to fertilize was after ICSI – they can’t do it after trying the regular way because there is no way to be sure that a sperm did not penetrate the egg and had one, it would be very, very bad. He told me that while they can’t really tell how mature my eggs were since they don’t strip them down the way they do for ICSI, the embryologists did expect 14 of my eggs to have fertilized when they left them in the dish. D is making an appointment with an urologist to see if they can identify anything that might help us, though the RE didn’t expect that to be the case. And the new plan is to take this cycle off, and when my period next arrives to go on the pill and start suppressing for IVF#2. My RE said he’d probably not put me on Repronex at all – just the Follistim since he didn’t want me to do the coasting thing again. Updated to add: And yes, we will be ICSIing all eggs retrieved. He was quite complementary about my eggs – saying that taking this month off was not at all a bad thing, and that my eggs have no sign of not being good quality. The thing is that sometimes they just don’t fertilize. For some strange reason, I keep thinking it’s the opposite of Reses Peanut Butter Cups.

So, you know, we wait.

Meanwhile, I want to extol the virtues of the Ipod. My cousin recently told me that she’d make love to hers if she could, and I thought she was being hyperbolic – then I was given one for Valentine’s Day. The first day I used it was actually while I was in the waiting room for the Retrieval, and I’ve carried it with me on my daily commutes ever since. I honestly think my Ipod is part of the reason I haven’t been depressed. Listening to my favorite music for an hour and a half each day makes me feel good and can totally help control my mood. As Spanglish wrote recently – we NEED music, and I had forgotten. I’m enjoying making a soundtrack to my life and the Ipod does it so well: if I need to pick up my spirits and get a little rowdy I program Blink-182, if I want to ruminate there’s Tori Amos, and I’m loving listening to all the old albums from the 1990s that I haven’t played in years - all with just a little turn of a wheel. Music can be the best therapy.

And here’s today’s question of the day: Did I really do IVF if the F never happened?

Failure is the key to success; each mistake teaches us something. -Morihei Ueshiba

2006-02-15T16:19:00.000-05:00

Thank you so much for your kind, supportive comments. They mean a great deal to me and it helps to know that I’m not alone in the frustration and disappointment I feel. That being said, I’m handling this much, much better than I ever thought I would. Absolutely there were many, many tears on Saturday. But I surprised both D and myself by not turning to mush for the entire weekend.

Part of it may be that D was remarkably considerate, consoling and caring – obviously quite worried about my mental state. Honestly, he did okay with the taking care of me after the retrieval – but it was after the phone call where he really came through.

But I think a big part of it is that I suspected this could happen. Back when we met with my RE about starting IVF I asked him if ICSI can be done if an egg wasn’t fertilizing – and he explained that once the decision is made to not use ICSI and just go the regular route it can’t be changed. Many of you asked about “rescue ICSI,” and I’ll bring it up at my meeting with my RE next Tuesday, but I suspect that Cornell doesn’t do it since the studies show it doesn’t usually lead to a successful pregnancy.

And with this complete and total failure, there’s a strange part of me that feels some validation of my IF status. I think since there was no explanation for my infertility, despite the obvious lack of success for the past 2 ½ years, I felt like I was kind of faking it. I know that’s ridiculous – but when there’s no logical reason for infertility it’s hard to have your emotions follow logic. But on Saturday I got handed to me on a petri dish a bonafide problem. There may not be an explanation for why it’s a problem, officially my diagnosis may still be “unexplained,” but clearly a problem exists. And I’m just fortunate that there also exists a solution (let’s have a shout out for ICSI!).

So, we’ll do another cycle. My RE mentioned on Saturday that he’d put me on birth control pills, so I guess we’ll be altering my protocol some. But D & I will discuss all this with him on Tuesday. I don’t know when we’ll begin, since we’ve planned a vacation for the last week in March (details to come in another post – but anyone near Monterey, CA interested in getting together?) and will have to work around that. But I’m rearing to go again. Sign me up for another ride.

CRASH.

2006-02-11T13:58:00.000-05:00

The good news:

- I don’t have to worry about the pio shots.
- I can drink alcohol.

Ummm, that’s all I can come up with.

The retrieval yesterday actually went just fine. We got to the hospital at 8am as instructed, and D got called in to do his thing around 9:15. My turn didn’t actually come ‘til after 11am. They got 17 eggs. 17 - a nice prime number. It’s how old I was when D & I first kissed – 17 years ago Monday night. Sure, I was terribly crampy and uncomfortable afterwards, but there was no bleeding and it all seemed good.

Then at 10am this morning I got a call from my RE. Not from the nurse with the fertilization report and my transfer day – but from my RE directly. NONE of the 17 fertilized, not a one. They can’t explain it – the eggs looked good, D’s numbers were great so they left them to unite. They didn’t use ICSI on any of them because it didn’t appear to be needed. But apparently it was.

So the last 4 weeks or so have all been for naught. It’s as if I’ve spent these last months training for a triathalon only to end up with a DNF. It’s little consolation that I was ahead of the pack during the swimming and even the bike part seemed to be going my way. But when it was time to switch to the running, I crashed hard. The result was I could no longer compete and had to withdraw from the race.

I know there are more races to enter, but this was the medal I really wanted.

All Aboard

2006-02-09T15:53:00.000-05:00

A nurse was supposed to call me before 7pm with my evening instructions yesterday, so I stayed at work an extra hour to make sure that I’d be available to answer my phone and ask any questions I might have regarding the news that they gave me. At 6:50pm, I assumed that little ole me had gotten lost in the big clinic paperwork and figured I’d have to call the answering service. The phone number was at home so I figured I might as well start the trek. I walked the 10 minutes to the subway station, holding my cell in my hand just in case they actually did call. As I entered the station the clock said 7:02pm, yet I still kept looking at my phone to see if I was getting service.

Once inside the station I had service for longer than I expected – I made it down the 2 flights of stairs before losing access. I walked along the length of the platform as is my norm, to the last car (since that’s where my exit is nearest) and waited for a train. Since none was forthcoming, I decided to wait atop the nearest flight of stairs just in case my cell phone could get service and just in case the nurse actually called. Sure enough, I got service, but a train rolled into the station. I ran down to get on – realized it wasn’t in fact my train, and retreated back up to the stairs. And wouldn’t you know, my cell phone rings.

It is indeed my nurse calling with instructions. I’m expecting her to say “you’re still coasting – just the .1 of Lupron” but instead I hear “Do you have a pen?” And I say “No” since I’m standing in my winter coat, hat and scarf in the middle of the Columbus Circle Subway Station and just trying to stay out of the path of the other commuters. She tells me I “need one” so I throw my purse and the phone onto the ground and rummage through my purse looking for a pen and some paper. Fortunately, it wasn’t too long and I was able to hear her say:

“Stop all your current drugs. You’ll take 3,300 units of HCG tonight at 2:05am. Report tomorrow morning between 6:30am & 7:00am for pre-op instructions.”

Apparently my E2 only rose slightly from 28 hundred and something to 29 hundred and something. So retrieval is tomorrow. I'm not coasting any longer - it's time for the final push.

I have to get to the hospital tomorrow at 8am, and D’s scheduled to do his thing at 9:30am. But since I triggered at 2am, doesn’t this mean that my retrieval will probably be closer to noon?

Whatever. They know what they’re doing. I’m happy to have gotten this far. Am hoping that I won’t get a call saying we messed up the HCG shot, which apparently happens not infrequently. But really – everything looks good. When I asked the doctor today doing the ultrasound how many eggs she’d guess I’d end up with tomorrow if she were a betting woman, she came back with 20! Of course, only half of those would probably be mature, but still, that would be something.

Waitin’ By The Phone

2006-02-08T17:27:00.000-05:00

I’m waiting for you to call me up and tell me I’m not alone.

So yeah, I’m waiting for them to call with today’s E2 levels and with this evening’s instructions. My follicles didn’t grow a whole lot since yesterday, so the RE at today’s ultrasound didn’t think I’d trigger tonight. As he put it, things are “looking nice - but we don’t want them to look too nice because I’m not ready yet.” The big follicles were measuring between 15 – 17mm, most around 16mm.

Of course, now I’m fretting that retrieval won’t be on Friday, and that I’ll be coasting for a prolonged period of time. While I found this somewhat reassuring, I’m back to being nervous that something bad is going to happen and I’ll be cancelled after all - even though I know that nothing bad has happened yet.

I’m a little confused by the decision to coast me – since I don’t seem to have over 20 follicles and I hadn’t broken the 3000 level. But I’m trying to trust my doctors and the clinic. Still, if anyone has any coasting stories to share I’d love to hear from them.

And if retrieval isn’t on Friday, does that mean I have to have sex again tonight? The horror….

Coasting

2006-02-07T16:55:00.000-05:00

No stims tonight. It’s Day 12 of my cycle and my E2 has skyrocketed to 2800, so there will be no further injection of FSH. My handful of follicles today measured between 14 – 15mm, and my lining was a pleasant 9mm. It looks like I’ll be triggering tomorrow night for my retrieval on Friday.

I guess that means we should have sex tonight, in order to insure that D’s sample on Friday is optimal. How sad to still have to schedule sex and sad to not be particularly excited by the idea. Hopefully this will be the last planned intercourse for awhile.

I don’t know what to expect at retrieval. When they measure the follicles each morning, they’re only measuring the largest 3 or 4 on each side as the others are much smaller, so I’m not sure I should hope for more than 5 or 6 eggs. And since it’s out of my control I’m trying my hardest not to worry about it, and to approach everything from here on out with a “what will be, will be” attitude.

I do know that I expected my ovaries to be much more sore and to be causing much more discomfort than they are.

As I lay in bed last night awaiting sleep to settle in, I found myself talking to all the follicles growing inside me. I explained to them what a great adventure lies in wait for them, and how a lucky 2 will have the opportunity to bunker down in quite the luxury accommodations for the next 9 months or so. Seriously, I was speaking aloud to these microscopic cells. I’m clearly losing my mind.

And then there’s this: last night I told my boss that I may be out Thursday & Friday, but didn’t know for sure. He asked me this afternoon if I knew yet, and I replied that now it looked like Friday and maybe some days next week. He asked if I was okay and I answered, “Yes. We’ll see.” I’m sure I’m giving him the complete wrong impression of what I’m undergoing, all though I know he knows that I’ve been trying to get pregnant for years and haven’t yet. The strange thing is that when I left his office after both conversations, I found myself somewhat choked up. And I’m not sure why.

Regardless, as the nurse told me when she called with my instructions, I’m real close now. I can just coast to the finish. I hope.

Cycle Day 11

2006-02-06T16:14:00.000-05:00

I remember reading the IVF books where they advise you that it’s a demanding process. I p’shaw’d away the concerns – really how different was it then the injectible IUIs? Sure, some stronger meds and more office visits, but surely these women were making it tougher than it is. Silly stupid me.

I’ve entered week 2 of stims and all I can say is that this is exhausting. I don’t know whether it’s the side effects of the drugs or the emotional toll, but I’m looking forward to making it through retrieval and transfer, just so some of the unknowns will be answered. And so I can stop going in to the office every morning. For some reason, I’m not nervous about the PIO shots or the retrieval procedure; I’m just looking forward to getting there.

Of course, the good news is that I’m pretty confident I will make it to retrieval. I have no idea what it’ll bring, but that’s the next step. Yesterday’s E2 was 1160, today’s will surely have risen higher (update: today's e2 went to that rockin' year of 1979). This morning’s ultrasound made my RE “quite happy.” It showed a handful of follicles around 12 - 14mm, my lining at 8mm plus some smaller follicles. He thinks retrieval will be either Thursday or Friday. I’m trying my best not to expect any specific number.

Meanwhile, I seem to be limping from last night’s shot. I can't explain why it was especially painful. It doesn't make sense why some nights are worse than others. Currently, I host 2 symmetrical bruises - one on each thigh – but they’ve been there since the start and haven’t grown or spread. Just kind of changed color like my grandmother’s old mood ring: Purple = Excited, Blue = Anxious, Yellow = Bitchy and Hormonal. Each night as I look to see what kind of colors will appear on the thigh, I’m reminded of one of my all-time favorite blog posts by the eloquent and witty Bugs. Suffer we must, I suppose.

Cycle Day 9 (7th Day of Stims)

2006-02-04T17:28:00.000-05:00

Things seem to me moving right along. Yesterday (Cycle Day 8/Day 6 of Stims) the ultrasound still showed the 15 follicles, all still under 10mm. My E2 on Day 7 was 359, yesterday it had increased to 607 and today’s reading had it at 995. This morning’s ultrasound showed a few follicles over 10, one at 11 but most still under the 10mm mark.. But they’ve cut me way back on the meds: as of yesterday I stopped the Follistim, and decreased the Repronex to 1 ½ vials. Tonight I’m to reduce the Repronex to just one vial. I’m taking it as a good sign – that the follicles are growing sufficiently and don’t need so much help.

So I’m doing okay. Still optimistic about the cycle, but definitely feeling wiped physically. I don’t know whether to attribute it to the drugs or having to get up 2 hours earlier every morning. My acupuncturist today said that my pulse definitely showed that my body was working, and between the sensitive nipples, and sore middle I’ve developed I’d have to agree. I’m trying to drink lots of water to keep the headaches at bay, but that doesn’t seem to be helping today. But if I walk away from this ten months from now with an infant it’ll obviously have been worth every single minute.

This morning the waiting room, usually fairly quiet with everyone keeping to themselves, practically felt like a cocktail party. It was packed as usual, but maybe because it was a Saturday everyone was chatty. There were 2 couples that may or may not have known each other before chatting it up on a center couch and various conversations between waitees happening throughout the room. I even had some nice exchanges with three women - and we didn’t just talk about IVF. Maybe because it felt especially early in the morning since it was a weekend, and reading just seemed to be too much of an expenditure of energy, we all found that talking to each other was a great way to pass the time. As one of the women I spoke with said, it is kind of silly that here we all are, day after day going through the same thing – why not chat a bit about it? It was good. I’m actually looking forward to seeing them tomorrow morning.

It’s one of those situations where it’s easier to open up with a stranger than a trusted friend. So while I still hope I don’t run into any other people I know at the clinic I wouldn’t mind at all if a stranger wants to introduce herself and tell me her story. Besides, I keep hoping that one of those strangers is one of you!

Cycle Day 7/Day 5 of Stims

2006-02-02T11:25:00.000-05:00

Today’s update brought to you by the letters I, V, and F and the number 15.

First, thank you for all your comments – it was reassuring to hear that I’m not the only one to worry her pretty little head over such things.

Second, I’m happy to report that things seem to be progressing well. My E2 on CD5 was 104 and rose yesterday (CD6) to 220. At yesterday’s ultrasound they saw 7 follicles on one side and 8 on the other, all less than 10mm. They cut back my Follistim after just 2 days from 150iu to 75iu, but I’ve been taking the same 2 vials of Repronex and 10cc of Lupron. I keep reminding myself that slow and steady wins the race, so I should just be patient.

But about those shots, let me just say the stomach was not a good idea for me. Granted, I had to give the shots to myself Wednesday night since D was working late (and when I write late, I mean to 11:30pm) and I’m not the expert he is. So maybe the ensuing pain was due to my poor technique, but I think I’m just sore for 2 days after the injections. EXCEPT that last nights’ shots, which D masterfully inserted in my left outer thigh, have left me with nary a complaint. Yesterday I felt like I was sucking in my breath all day and keeping a remarkably straight posture because I was so hesitant to have anything – including the waistband of my skirt – touch the injection site. So who knows? And honestly, it doesn’t really matter as long as the drugs are doing what they’re supposed to be doing.

And now, some waiting room stories.

I realize that I’m going to a top-rated clinic (statistically speaking) so I honestly don’t mind that it’s been around a 45 minute to 1-hour wait for an ultrasound. But this does mean I’m in the waiting room for a good period of time, usually with at least 50 other women and a handful of men. And despite the fact that I’ve been going to this clinic for over a year, and have gone through 7 IUI cycles with them, I’d yet to run into someone I knew in the waiting room. After all, this is New York City – where 7,000,000 people live and I don’t know anyone. But on my newly assigned cd3, as I’m sitting in the corner crocheting a square for a baby blanket, I recognize a man as he’s walking towards his wife. He’s not a friend or colleague, but he was an assistant to a professor of mine from my Master’s program and I had interviewed with him years ago for a job. I didn’t get it, but he did pass on my resume to a friend of his, and I did end up working for his friend. So, he too works in the small Broadway theater industry and I think he would remember me, but I’m not 100% positive. So while my first instinct was to go over and say hello, I then remembered where I was and thought “Oh my gosh – he’s straight?” (You have to realize, a straight man working in theater is in the minority) and thought it might be best to just hide in the corner and keep crocheting away. Which I did.

And yesterday morning, as I’m waiting a woman walks in to the office and sees a friend of hers – apparently someone she cares about but obviously hadn’t seen lately, nor expected to see – and issues a loud scream, and hugs the woman genuinely. I was thinking how strange it would be to run into an old friend in that office, when the woman’s name was called and she turned around and I saw that she was someone from my Masters program – a year ahead of me. Once she returned from her blood draw, she and her friend were preoccupied with each other and I made sure to keep my head down and focused on my crocheting.

So I wonder, if she hadn’t known someone else in the waiting room, would I have gone up to her and said hello? I think I would – but I can’t be sure. I wanted to with the husband as well, but I think a man would be more embarrassed about running into someone at a fertility clinic. (This makes me think of Chandler running into Janice in that silly “Friends” episode.) But why should there be any embarrassment? Isn’t that the problem with the fertiles of the world? That they don’t realize how prevalent infertility is? And don’t we all know that being infertile IS NOTHING TO BE EMBARASSED ABOUT?

On the other hand, maybe it’s not embarrassment that keeps us quiet. Maybe it’s the fact that having children is a personal choice, and not one that should be shared with just anyone. Maybe it’s that being infertile can be so distressing, that one would prefer not to talk about it. And maybe when you’re going through treatment, you want to avoid saying anything that may jinx the outcome.

Fears

2006-01-31T12:05:00.000-05:00

In an attempt to thwart Catastrophe I’m laying out all the things I’ve been or currently am afraid of happening during this cycle. I hope that by the same principal that stops rain from falling if you bring the umbrella this will insure a problem-free cycle. And let me state now, I fully realize that most of these are ridiculous concerns, but that hasn’t stopped them from occurring to me.

1. I had been afraid of not calling someone or not filling out some required paperwork and therefore being postponed. So far that didn’t happen, but I did forget to return my signed consent forms today (since they didn’t take them when I did bring them last week, because I need to sign the research consent form at the same time as my husband with a witness present).
2. I was afraid I’d have an ovarian cyst and be postponed.
3. I’m afraid we’re mixing the wrong dosages. (Though I confirmed with the IVF nurses today that it is indeed 1cc of dilutent for the 2 vials of Repronex).
4. I’m afraid we’re using the wrong needles.
5. I’m afraid that something happened to the refrigerator (because D seems to think it went wonky for a bit) and it ruined the Lupron and Follistim.
6. I’m afraid that D is shaking the Repronex too much instead of “gently swishing” the vials.
7. I’m worried that D will continually forget to take his Doxycycline twice per day.
8. I’m afraid that D will not be able to successfully give a sample on retrieval day.
9. I’m afraid I’ll hyperstimulate.
10. I’m afraid I won’t produce any eggs.
11. I’m afraid I’ll run out of medication or needles and be left in the lurch.
12. I’m afraid we’re injecting the drugs too late in the evening – or at not a consistent enough time.
13. I’m afraid we’ll mess up the HCG shot and I’ll end up ovulating on my own before retrieval.
14. I’m afraid I’ve forgotten to take too many of my prenatal vitamins over the last month.
15. I’m worried that none of my eggs will be fertilized.
16. I’m afraid of having no embryos to transfer.
17. I’m afraid of getting blood during the PIO shots.
18. I’m afraid I’ll have spotting or bleeding before the beta test.
19. I’m worried about taking the call from the nurse with the beta results while at work, in an office I share with my assistant.
20. I’m worried that everything will go perfectly and it’ll still fail.

I am not afraid of the needles, the shots, or the thought of it actually working.

Meanwhile, I’ve gone through two nights of stim drugs, and jeez, my thighs are not holding up like I thought they would! I don’t know why the Gonadotropins are different then the Lupron, but I got to say each of my thighs is now bruised and feeling battered. Walking is a reminder of each injection. I’m thinking about moving the shots to the abdomen, but I can’t imagine that’s going to feel less painful.

And I got the results of my real day 3 blood draw and it’s all encouraging:
E2: 16
FSH: 3.9
LH: 3.4

So, that’s something. And I’ll get a call this afternoon with today’s results and further instructions.

Everything is moving right along. There’s nothing to be scared of. Right?

Sunday Is The New Thursday

2006-01-27T14:33:00.000-05:00

So, because my clinic is so damn popular and because there are so many women currently cycling there, I’ve been assigned a “New Day 3.” While in reality the 3rd day of my current cycle was yesterday, according to my clinic, Sunday will become my real cd 3 for the IVF cycle. This is because with so many women they want to make sure that there won’t be too many having retrievals on the same day. Starting last night I reduced my Lupron dosage to .1cc and will add the stims on the 29th.

I figure, what’s another 2 days at this point? Plus, D & I are going to see Fountains of Wayne Saturday night, and I was worried about getting home before 11 to do the shots. I figure since I’ll only be taking the Lupron it won’t be as big a deal if we’re a few minutes late. And I’m not really worried that it affects the outcome of my cycle – I know I’m being suppressed and that the docs know what they’re doing. But if anyone has any reassuring research on the subject I’d certainly love to read it.

Meanwhile, I refilled my Lupron prescription because on Sunday I’ll have been taking it for 14 days and will therefore be out of needles – if not the actual medication. I can’t believe I’ve been doing this for 2 weeks already! For some reason, time is flying. I guess I’ve been fortunate in that I haven’t had any side effects. Well, that’s not exactly true. I’ve been consistently waking up in the middle of the night to take off my shirt because I’m so bloody hot, but maybe that’s just because my apartment suddenly heats up and not because I’m having a hot flash? And the fact that I started crying because this story on the radio made me cry because, well for no reason really, is probably an indication that I have some hormones running through me. I think the tears stemmed from missing my mom, or wanting to be a mom, or who the hell knows? There really wasn’t a reason. So yeah, maybe I’ve had some side effects.

In other matters, my boss has a new favorite phrase, which, I swear, he says daily. When we’re trying to prevent someone from getting too attached to an idea or too attached to a specific actor or whatever instead of saying, “getting too attached,” he says, “getting pregnant.” As in, “We better find out now if Diva is a possibility before the director gets pregnant with that cast.”

I know it’s a metaphor. I know it makes sense linguistically. But every time he says it I squirm.

Hopefully, one of these days, I’ll be squirming because it will be me who’s actually pregnant.

The Return Of The Wand Monkey

2006-01-26T14:12:00.000-05:00

As I commented on Lori’s blog today, life is about ebb and flow. I feel like the last 4 months when there was no real trying to conceive going on – and probably the last 2 years with just failure after failure - were one big ebb. Ever since I attended the IVF class, the tide turned, and things are a flowin’. I know that the ebb will happen again; I just hope it isn’t in 4 weeks because of a negative beta.

For now, the future looks bright. Today was cd3 and IVF cycle #1 (and hopefully only) began. I arrived at the clinic at 8:15 and shortly thereafter was called up to confirm all my contact and insurance info and pay the $8,900 upfront. Then it was on to meet with an IVF nurse who drew today’s blood, instructed me in the ways of the Follistim pen, and outlined the next steps of the cycle:
1. Reduce Lupron to .1cc
2. D starts taking his antibiotics
3. Start the Follistim and Repronex

I met with the research coordinator and went over all the consent forms. I learned about the current research being done at the center. Then, of course, it was time for my reunion with the wand monkey.

I was shown to my exam room, but given no instructions. Being the wand monkey veteran I am, I certainly didn’t need any, but I wondered about the poor soul who might have gone straight to IVF – would she know what to do? I closed the door to the room, undressed from the waist down, sat myself at the edge of the table and covered myself up with the gown provided. The doctor knocked on the door and I answered – but no one entered. Then I heard the jangling of keys and the door opening. I said “Did I lock you out?” and my lovely doctor joked “Yup – that’s mistake #1. You only get 3 then you’re kicked out of the cycle. It’s a good thing I like you, or I’d have the bouncers in here now.” And then he told me the best news of the day – my u/s looks great: lots of little follicles and I am cyst-free.

So barring some crazy FSH number or some other blood bad news (and there’s no reason to be fearing that), we’re off and running.

To My Fat Thighs:

2006-01-20T13:41:00.000-05:00

I am sorry for how I’ve treated you. In the past I was a little ashamed of you, perhaps a bit embarrassed. I did not understand how it was that you could contain these pounds of fat, when the rest of me was rather lean. Why was it (back when I frequented the gym), that no matter how many lunges I did or minutes ran on the elliptical trainer, your circumference never diminished? In the mirror I would see those craters of cellulite and heavily sigh. For years now I’ve done my best to conceal you in tights and cute skirts. During the summer my bathing suits were not sexy bikini bottoms but athletic board shorts. You were my nemesis; the one body part I’d choose to change if given magic powers. But now I sing a different tune.

I love your ample heft now. The way you so easily receive the daily sub-q shot is inspiring. How I wish I had thought to use you back in my IUI days! I love that I can stab the needle into you, and you easily and painlessly hold the syringe straight while I press the plunger in. You have made it so that I no longer rely on D for the nightly injections. I have no doubt that your cushioning will make even the added follistim and repronex shots next week effortless.

Thank you, thank you. Fat thighs, I rejoice in thee.

Martin Lupron King Day

2006-01-16T20:34:00.000-05:00

(with thanks to Avonlea for the title)

Well, not only is it Day 1 of Lupron (Day 20 of my cycle), this is also my 50th post. A momentous occasion indeed. I've gotten e-mails from friends saying they're thinking of me, and I spoke with my parents who both also expressed their excitement and happiness that the day has arrived. I made brownies earlier to celebrate (well, really to have as a reward after the shot). Somehow, today has become a minor holiday - and not just because it's MLK, Jr. 's birthday.

I suppose the start of Lupron deserves the same recognition at least as starting a new job. Congratulations are probably in order. This could be the start of a life - and therefore it could be the start of a life-altering event. There's a Hebrew prayer called the Shecheyunu, which my family throws in when we can't find or remember the proper prayer to say at a specific occasion. Off the top of my head, it translates roughly to Blessed art Thou, oh Lord our G-d, King of the Universe, for allowing us to reach this day.

I've always liked it because, to me, it's a reminder that any day can be a special day - worthy of a prayer. I'm not a real religious person, I go to shul on the high holidays and light the Shabbat candles when I remember. Plus, I married an Atheist goy. But I think tonight, as D is preparing the Lupron, a little Shecheyunu might be in order.

The Excitement Builds

2006-01-10T12:59:00.000-05:00

Something strange happened last night. One of those annoyingly cute, smiley-face icons made me feel unusually happy. I might as well have a blinkie name on the bottom of this post, and sprinkles of baby dust attached to my every blog comment, because when my ovulation test showed the happy face, I became elated. I tried to take a picture of the test. I ran around not wanting to put the damn thing down.

The elation was possibly because I was relieved I wasn’t going to have to shell out another $35 for another ovulation kit; possibly because it indicates that my cycle seems to have reverted to its normal schedule. But surely the elation is because it means I start taking Lupron next Monday (and I’m feeling lucky that I start Lupron on a day off from work (MLK day)).

I don’t know why the optimism is running rampant in my house right now. D & I have begun talking like I’m going to be pregnant in 6 weeks, no question. Last month I was feeling quite positive that IVF wouldn’t work the first time – but I’d learn what the problem is. I was sure they’d find that my eggs’ shells are too hard for the sperm to penetrate or something that can only be diagnosed through IVF. Now I’m thinking, even if they find something they’ll be able to compensate for it. I borrowed the book The Couple’s Guide to In-Vitro Fertilization and I just keep remembering the statistic she quotes that 70% of couples take home a baby within 3 tries.

And last night I dreamt that I was pregnant. It was like, 2 days after transfer, but in the dream I knew it had worked. Of course, in the dream a close friend who is not close to ttc and my mother were also pregnant, so it’s not like I think it was a prophecy or anything. But I remember feeling so happy knowing a child was due.

So, yeah, I’m excited. There’s this song from the Ahrens & Flaherty musical, A Man of No Importance that’s been running through my head all morning. The song is sung by a bunch of community theater members who are presenting their crazy set, costume and prop ideas to the play’s director. Their point is that while these things may not look like much now, give it some time and they’ll be fit for the stage. In other words, as the song goes, “A week and a half from now this will be art.”

Indeed. A week and a half from now this will be ART.

Isn't It Ironic

2006-01-06T14:17:00.000-05:00

“I don’t wish to be single in the way that I expect to wish to be childless.”

The above is a direct quote from D uttered over dinner last night. Don’t worry, I don’t want anyone to get all indignant on my behalf. It was part of an honest, hopeful, crazy conversation we had.

We were on a veritable date (dinner in a restaurant followed by the IMAX version of Harry Potter) and having a real discussion, as opposed to eating-in-silence that’s become the norm at home. I had brought up how I know he’s pretty terrified at the concept of having kids, but that in the end, I think he’ll be okay with it. As an example I pointed to how he would have been content to not get married either but because I needed it we did, and that’s turned out okay. And that’s when my lovely D hit me with the above sentence.

I heard him and I laughed. The thought of wishing to be childless is so foreign to me, that the realization that the man I love with all my heart feels it is funny. And I mean not sad-funny, but happy-funny. Because even though he doesn’t want kids himself, he’s going through this process with me now and has comforted me sufficiently through it in the past. Not because this is something he wants but because he cares about me. In some ways that makes me pretty fortunate.

After I laughed and told him that I thought his line was brilliant, I said “So, the last 2 ½ years has been a lucky reprieve for you then?” and without a second’s hesitation he responded “Yes.”

This, shockingly, sent me into a full-fledged laugh attack. The kind where no one else around you understands what’s so funny, but you have tears streaming down your face. Fortunately, it was a loud restaurant so I don’t think other diners even noticed, but I laughed and laughed for a long time in a way that I really haven’t in awhile. It’s funny, no? These last 2 ½ years, which have been hellish for me – certainly the most difficult I’ve ever experienced, have been a welcomed stay of execution for my D.

All this to say, I must be in a good place. I know there have been times when I would’ve responded to D's admissions with tears and anguish and cries of “How can we be right for one another?” or “Why don’t you understand?” Instead, the thought of IVF working has me happy that D & I are still together even though we’ve got such different desires, and hopeful that D’s reprieve will be coming to an end.

2006 - The Final Frontier

2006-01-05T15:52:00.000-05:00

I know the IF-rollercoaster analogy is nothing new, so forgive me for indulging in it. You see, I’m in line now for a ride on the biggest one in my amusement park yet, and I’m just nearing the head of the line where I can count forward and figure out just what car I’ll be sitting in.

Yesterday D & I attended the clinic’s IVF class, received and discussed my protocol and had all the necessary tests done to get our records up to date. We are now officially doing IVF. (We were supposed to go in for the class before Christmas, but the NYC transit strike messed that up. In the end, it didn’t matter, but at the time it was another stinkin’ reason to hate the transit union.)

While I feel quite over-educated in regard to all that transpires during an IVF cycle, I still found the class (complete with power point presentation and a video clip of ICSI) reassuring and informative. I know D was bored and stressed about missing work, but spending the 2 + hours there made me feel like it’s for real now. I’m excited and hopeful and scared and pessimistic all at the same time.

My protocol: beginning yesterday (cd 8) I’m to monitor for my LH surge. Once the opk gives a positive, the Lupron shots begin 7 days later. Stimming will (knock on wood) consist of 150 iu of Follistim and 2 vials of Repronex. I got the prescriptions for everything, sent them off today and expect to get my box o’ drugs next week. Last night I purchased the strangest combination ever: the $40 clinic preferred Clear Plan Ovulation Kit and a box of condoms. How ironic is it to have to use the 2 at the same time? Meanwhile, this ovulation kit is the digital kind, so there’s no room to misinterpret the results. No judging of color shades – when it detects the LH surge a smiley face appears in the display. I’ve been thinking that perhaps some baby dust will also burst out the tip, accompanied by a musak-y rendition of Let’s Get it On.

Anyway, it’s about here. We’re beginning. I’m not at all worried about the shots, the blood draws, the retrieval or transfer. I’m just petrified at the thought of it not working and the doctors not learning anything new.

Gearing Up

2005-12-15T16:10:00.000-05:00

As the year winds down, I’m winding up for my next attempt at conquering infertility – IVF. It still seems a ways off, but considering I’ve spent the last 36 (documented by fertilityfriend.com) cycles waiting, 1 ½ more shouldn’t be a big deal.

Here’s what I’ve been doing to prepare:

1. As of January 1, 2006 I will be covered by two different health insurance plans. Of course, they both happen to be Empire Blue Cross PPO plans – but I’m feeling optimistic that much of the financial costs of the IVF cycle will be reimbursed. Granted, I’m sure I’m setting myself up for a marathon swim through red tape, but I think I’m well prepared for that.

2. Next Tuesday I’m signed up for the IVF class at my clinic. I’m supposing that, (like when I began injectible IUI’s) it is at that meeting where I will get my lovely packet with my protocol listed and all the prescription slips I’ll need. At this point it even appears that D. will be able to join me at the class. I think attending it will make it seem all the more imminent and real. That’s a good thing.

3. I found a licensed acupuncturist in my neighborhood that seems to follow the tenets of Randine Lewis, which makes me hopeful. I’ve been instructed to find out if my clinic will allow her to come to the hospital to perform acupuncture both before and after the transfer, as apparently, that is the recommended TCM protocol for IVF.
So, that leaves me in the usual spot: waiting. Today is cd17 and I finally got a peak reading on my clear plan monitor today. I’ll have sex tonight, hoping that 3 sessions of acupuncture were all I needed to conceive instead of the drugs and needles and ART. But deep inside I know I need more help and that I just have to wait a little longer.

So Far

2005-11-17T16:59:00.000-05:00

You’re all so good to come back and check up on me even though I don’t deserve your attention. It still amazes me how much a sense of community and friendship exists in the blogosphere amongst the infertiles of the world. I’m honored to be a small part.

So, here’s my latest:

On 11/4 D and I sat down with my RE and confirmed that we do indeed want to proceed to the next step, IVF. I don’t want to begin, however, until January 1 since that is when I will be covered under D’s insurance, which covers 80% of IVF costs. (I went with D to his company’s “health insurance fair” where we visited each of the tables representing the various plans available. I’d saunter up to each representative and ask “what coverage do you have for IVF?” Interestingly, it was the male rep at BCBS who knew immediately what I was talking about – not the women at Aetna. The male rep explained how he and his wife went through it themselves, but ended up adopting – and he proceeded to show us a picture of his young daughter. Clearly another instance of infertility being everywhere if you’re looking for it.) We briefly talked about protocol – probably a combo of bravelle and repronex and he mentioned that I would go on lupron. I asked him what he’d say my chances of success were (expecting a 48 – 50% number) and he answered 60%. Sixty percent!!! I was shocked, but didn’t ask why he gave such a high number because, really, I want to believe in the 60% chance. I don’t want to think about why it won’t work.

I’m signed up to take the info class on Dec. 20th and I went in last Friday for the mock transfer and sounding. Of course, everything was normal so it’s all systems go for IVF in the new year. I’m excited and anxious and hopeful and scared. Not scared of the actual procedures or the drugs or the doing of it. I’m just scared of failure.

The exterminator came to our apartment this morning to do his spraying thing (I swear, we don’t keep a dirty apartment – it’s de rigueur for city living!) and as he was leaving he said “Nice place. Just you and your husband?” And I replied “So far.” For some reason, I can’t bring myself to answer such questions with just a “Yes.”

Second Place

2005-10-03T08:45:00.000-04:00

Well, the Red Sox fell to the Yankees on Saturday, allowing the New York Boys to end in first place in the American League East, with my BoSox right behind them in second. The Yanks had been behind all season, but in the end they finished first.

I kind of feel like my Sox at the moment, too. My best friend who was going through her first IVF attempt got the happy, official news yesterday that it worked - she is pregnant! Honestly, I'm ecstatic for her. Her first beta had numbers over 200 so there even may be a possibility of 2. It's the best news I've heard in a long, long time. Yet, there's this part of me that feels like she sprinted to the end of this marathon and just beat me to the finish line. I know I'll get there. And the fact that it worked for her on one try should help me believe that it will work for me too. But her being done (and I really do hope she is!) with the IF game after only being in it for 6 months or so is making me feel even more impatient (if that was possible) for my winning hand to be played.

Plus, I feel selfish for thinking that way.

So, I'm trying to focus only on the good. Just like with the Sox, their second place finish still secured them the Wildcard playoff berth. That's reason to celebrate. Now I'm hoping that next year, my second place finish will secure me a birth and celebration of my own.

34 and Counting…

2005-09-28T16:03:00.000-04:00

So I turned 34 last week. And that’s all there is to say about that.

Things that are good in my life right now:

1. The new apartment is great. The views from the living room and the roof deck are spectacular. Honestly, sitting on the roof with a glass of wine looking out at the Manhattan skyline, the GW Bridge and the Hudson River make us feel like we’re on vacation. D really, really loves the apartment – which just makes me feel good. It’s strange, because I had (in a way that is most unusual for me) been rather disappointed with very nitpicky things about the apartment – an errant paint drip, a scuff on the hardwood – that was really upsetting me. But to see D so enthusiastic about it really brought me up.

2. D also doesn’t have to travel again on business this year. He was supposed to be leaving Sunday, but the case settled so he’s staying at home. And he’s in a great place with work at the moment which is nice, too. I’m so very proud of him.

3. My parents are coming to visit for the weekend. I’m excited for them to see the apartment now that the boxes are unpacked and we’re more settled in.

4. I’ve been doing Pilates every weekday morning for over a week now, in my effort to get myself back on the right track.

5. The Red Sox are in first place.

Things that aren’t so good in my life right now:

1. The Red Sox are tied with the Yankees for first place. And tied with the Yankees and the Indians for the Wild Card. It’s going to be a stressful 5 days as they battle it out for a Playoff spot.

2. I’m in a “feeling ugly” mode. I’m growing out my hair, so it never looks good. I feel like I don’t have any cute, stylish, flattering clothing to wear. My complexion is not healthy looking. I really need to buy new make-up.

3. This just sitting around waiting to actively ttc again is not doing much for me. How sad is it that it’s insurance that is currently dictating my ttc protocol? I haven’t been doing ANYTHING to get pregnant this month. I’m not charting, I didn’t make my husband have sex on any suspected fertile day, and hell, I even stopped taking prenatal vitamins. Just waiting to start the IVF ride. And there’s at least 2 more months of this limbo. Advice sought: if I go on D’s insurance as of January 1st (and therefore suddenly have insurance which will cover IVF), when should I schedule my first sit-down appt. with my RE to discuss our steps?

4. How long do you think depression can last? I feel like I've been depressed for over a year. Friday night D & I were having a glass of wine on the roof and I think I smiled or went to kiss him or something and he said "What's with you?" and I just said "I'm happy" and he said something like "You haven't been in a really long time" and that just about broke my heart. I don't know if therapy or anything other than having a child is going to fix it. It's just so frustrating! I used to be a pretty happy kind of gal and now I can make myself cry on a moment's notice.

Other things going on:

1. My best friend B is in her first IVF cycle. She finds out on Sunday (if she doesn’t test sooner) the results. If I’m on this many pins and needles for her, I can’t imagine how I’ll be able to concentrate on anything when it’s me.

2. Another best friend just told me that she and her boyfriend are finally moving in together. That makes me happy. I never understood how such a fabulous girl could still be single. It also means that I’m just waiting for my brother to find true love, as I want everyone I care about to have somebody special to share their lives with. (English teachers out there – what is the proper way to write that sentence?)

3. I also want to let all the formerly IF, now pregnant bloggers out there that I didn't mean to imply that I didn't want to hear from you or about you. Honestly, you give me hope and I can't help but want to know how you're doing. Also, I've thought about moving your blogs from my "In the Dugout" section on the right of the page, to a new "All Stars" section - but I think my superstitious nature has prevented me from doing so yet. Let me know when you'd feel comfortable with getting named to the All Star Team. 'Cuz you are all All Stars.

That’s the story from Lake Wobegone. Hope you all are well. And if you’re not rooting for the Yankees, can you join me in rooting against them?

23/5 Courtesy of Thalia

2005-09-26T17:15:00.000-04:00

So, Thalia tagged me with this little blog game:

THE RULES:
1. Go into your archive.
2. Find your 23rd post.
3. Find the fifth sentence.
4. Post the text of the sentence in your blog along with these instructions.
5. Tag five people to do the same.

As it so happens, my twenty-third post was only four sentences long! On the other hand, it’s as relevant now as it was then.

And because I follow instructions, I’m tagging Teresa, Chee Chee, Katie, Donnie, and Susie to play.

I promise to post another update this week – hopefully with apartment pictures since that’s the major happening in my life right now.

A Brief Update

2005-09-15T16:52:00.000-04:00

I’m sorry I haven’t been posting. I’ve been hiding for various reasons.

Part of the reason for the absence was due to being overwhelmed with moving into a new apartment with D out of town; part of the reason was because, with D out of town, there was no ttc stuff to discuss; and part of it, I hate to say, is because it’s hard for me to read the pregnancy blogs. I am so very hopeful and happy for all the former Infertiles who found their way off the island – but reading of their progress is, for me, like watching the end of the World Series when the Red Sox didn’t even play: I like watching the enthusiasm and joy on the players faces, but it’s not the same as when my team wins.

The good news in my life is that I am settled, if not unpacked, in a fabulous, large apartment and much of the moving/renovation hassles are done. I believe that today is the final day of work in the apartment. We have much to do in setting the place up and buying new furniture, but the move/work related stress is done.

The bad news is that I turn 34 next week and am rather depressed by the thought that I’m not any closer to having the family I so crave. I’m done with the IUIs. I’m trying to decide if I should bother temping and using the fertility monitor these next few months while I wait to go on D’s insurance and prepare for IVF in January.

And I’ve been worried about my menstrual cycle. Last month I must have spotted every day the last 2 weeks of my cycle – which itself only lasted 23 days. And my period this month only lasted a few days. Is all that a physical manifestation of my declining fertility?

So that’s where things are with me. I apologize if I alarmed anyone. When I have news to report I promise I’ll go back to posting more frequently. And I will be checking in on each of you too, because, despite what I wrote earlier, I do want to see each of you holding your own prize.

Are You There, G-d? It's Me, Melanie.

2005-08-22T14:54:00.000-04:00

I think my last post might have been a touch dramatic. Of course, I was wholeheartedly, completely devastated by the news that the IUI didn’t take. And I really don’t have any hope of another IUI working if that one didn’t. But the future of which I dream, filled with family outings and carpooling children to various activities is still possible. I do believe that some day, some how I will be a parent. It’s just taking much more time and effort and expense than I ever would have thought.

I spent the last week dealing with apartment stuff and didn’t have time to blog about what I was feeling. Besides the depression and sadness that came with the news, I was also quite angry. Not at the world but at my sister-in-law and her husband. You see, last weekend we went to visit D’s family and when we arrived at his mother’s house we learned that his sister, whom I shall call Mary, and her husband (“Joseph”) were not joining us as expected since they had just received that afternoon the results of their post-coital test and it wasn’t good.

A little background: Mary, age 36, and Joseph, 41, married in March of 2004. They have been trying to have a child ever since. Mary has talked about becoming a mother since she was a kid herself. Before she met Joseph she had a plan to adopt on her own. Mary & Joseph met at church. They are devout Catholics. In fact, Mary converted to Catholicism on her own when she was 13 (D’s dad is Jewish – though really he’s an atheist, D’s mom is Episcopalian Protestant).

Now, when D’s mother explained to us that Mary’s tests hadn’t shown any problems, but the post coital indicated there may be something sub-optimal with Joseph, I started ranting about how the post-coital test isn’t a clear indication of anything, how my RE doesn’t even use that test anymore, blah-blah-blah. I really wanted to know if Joseph had had a semen analysis. I knew he wouldn’t do it the traditional way because of his religious beliefs, but Mary had mentioned in the past that they could have sex with a special condom that had a hole in it and bring in the sample that way. But as it turns out, they haven’t had luck getting a sample to be tested. So how can they know for sure if there’s a problem with Joseph’s sperm or not?

We listened to their impassioned explanation about how they believe G-d believes that sex should only occur if it’s both unitative (husband and wife together) and procreative (the possibility of pregnancy exists). I cannot begin to tell you how infuriated this made me on so many levels!

Mostly, I think I’m angry because I so desperately want a diagnosis. Unexplained infertility is not cutting it for me. Doesn’t there HAVE to be a reason for why I can’t get pregnant? And so to know these two people, who could possibly find a reason for why they’ve yet to produce a child, not do everything they can to determine why is maddening. Particularly when what is involved is jacking off into a cup. Not surgery, not drugs just a freakin’ orgasm. Come on!

Granted, should they learn that there is a problem with Joseph’s sperm, they wouldn’t take advantage of iui (and certainly not ivf) so I can see why it’s almost a moot point. But then I get pissed off that they find themselves in our situation, that they’ll be entitled to the same sympathy as me and D, because they could do something about it and I can’t. And I so, so want to have something to do about it - besides just trusting in G-d, I mean.

Negative.

2005-08-15T16:56:00.000-04:00

The most painful state of being is remembering the future,

particularly one you can never have.

-Soren Kierkegaard

Meltdown

2005-08-15T10:05:00.000-04:00

I had a minor freak-out last night - or, as a college roommate used to put it daily, I had a nervous breakdown. Really, I just let my anxiety and nervousness about today’s beta test get the best of me.

We had just finished watching Million Dollar Baby and, of course, that started the whole waterworks. But I calmed myself down and started to get ready for bed, when I noticed the 3 mosquito bite-like, possible pimples on my back that I first noticed on Friday night seemed to have multiplied and taken up even greater space on my back. So what could I do but cry about it?

Poor D didn’t know what to do. I wanted my mother’s magic cream to put on this mysterious rash, but we don’t have anything remotely appropriate in the house. I proceeded to stamp my feet and thrash my arms like the two-year-old I so desperately want. D kept asking “What is it?” And only when I told him that I was nervous about the beta today did he accept that as the reason for my insane behavior.

Sometime today I’ll get a phone call that will tell me the state of things. There is no more room for Hope and Optimism – it either is or isn’t. And the thing is, I don’t feel any different. I don’t feel pregnant. So not only am I nervous and anxious, now I’m scared. Because if this IUI didn’t work, I can’t logically believe another IUI would. If this IUI didn’t work, I think I’m resigned to IVF.

Please let this IUI have worked.

5 Days Til Beta

2005-08-10T18:36:00.000-04:00

There are strange crampy feelings happening in my uterus. At least, I think it’s my uterus. It feels as it does on cd1 when my period is just beginning. On the other hand, if a doctor told me it was actually my stomach and they were gas pains I wouldn’t be shocked. But it doesn’t feel that way. It feels like the start of menstrual cramps. Which it can’t be because I’ve been dutifully inserting the lovely progesterone suppositories twice a day. Thus, I’m stuck wondering if these could possibly be those cramps that pregnant women say they felt before knowing they were pregnant. I’m afraid to go to the bathroom and check if anything’s goin’ on down there.

I just want to be pregnant. Duh!

I think because I re-read Donnie’s posts today from her successful iui experience I’m trying to will myself to have the same outcome. These are probably just psychosomatic symptoms.

I’ve been trying not to dwell on the upcoming beta (on the 15th for those of you keeping track at home). Tracking down the discontinued kohler sink I want for my bathroom as well as trying to keep up my productive-ness at work has kept me pretty busy and serves as a great distraction, as does my daily devouring of the Boston Globe Sports Page. (Can anyone believe the Sox are still in first place? It’s been such a fun season to follow so far.) And we’re going to the in-laws this weekend. So it’s not that I’m sitting around not doing anything, but damn, these cramps are making it hard to think about anything else.

Let it be known that I firmly believe that these kinds of “symptoms” are not indicative of anything - except that Hope is obviously still guiding me. The question is am I being led down the garden path?

Who Knew It Could Be This Way?

2005-08-08T22:00:00.000-04:00

I never expected to feel this way. The feelings coursing through me are relief, excitement and happiness. After such a long wait, I didn’t realize how heavy a burden I was carrying; to have it lifted from me has freed me in an unimaginable way.

I write, of course, of becoming a homeowner. The apartment closing on Friday went smoothly enough, we were handed the keys and I couldn’t be more thrilled. Well, of course, if I were to find out next week that I was pregnant, I would be more thrilled; I imagine I would feel all those emotions I listed above threefold. But for now, as D says, I have a “two-track mind.” If I start getting sad or mopey at the sight of a newborn, D says that at least now he can switch my focus to the apartment and my face lights up again.

I have to admit, I’m in a great mood at the moment. I was more productive today at work than I’ve been in a really long time. I could concentrate on getting things done. I didn’t feel the need to go on the internet for a distraction. I didn’t check my bloglines subscription. I spent most of my work day actually doing work. Seriously, I don’t know when the last time was where I didn’t spend an hour plus surfing the web. But I feel more like my old self; I’m making phone calls; e-mailing people back; I don’t even feel the need to only veg out in front of the T.V. I mean, here it is, 10pm on a weeknight and I’m writing a blog entry. I’m just so excited!

Granted, with every twinge and flutter in my abdomen/uterus/ovaries (‘cuz honestly, I can’t tell where these crampy things are happening) my mind wonders if I have an implanted fertilized egg growing inside me. But, I’m pretty content to wait it out until the blood test on next Monday. What will be will be. And if not now, I think we may be done with all treatments until I’m covered by D’s insurance and we start IVF.

Of course, I’m so hoping that at least one of those five follicles transformed itself (with some help from D’s guys) into our child-to-be. What with everyone’s reaction being “such a big place for just the two of you” when learning about the size of the apartment, it would be extra nice. In fact, when we were doing the apartment walk-thru on Thursday night we met some neighbors, (a couple our age with a 14-month old, naturally) they said to us “And you have twins, right?” And at the closing itself the seller also referred to our twin children. I can only hope it’s a premonition of what life in the new apartment will bring.

Lady In Waiting

2005-08-03T15:19:00.000-04:00

This is the ultimate 2-week wait. Not only am I counting down the days until beta testing (12), I’m anxiously awaiting the apartment closing (in 3 days) as well as waiting for word if and when D will be leaving for San Francisco. And for good measure, throw in the wait for the contractor to start the apartment renovations, the wait to buy the new fixtures and furniture I want (since I want to own the place before purchasing things for it), and the wait to actually move in to the apartment. Even at work, we’re stuck waiting for a certain playwright to let us actually announce that we’ll be producing his play this fall; which means I’m waiting on making the official offers to designers and waiting to draft the actual contracts.

I know that all of a sudden things are going to start happening. The waiting will end and a new stage of life will unfold. But for now, I’m stuck in the eternal limbo of waiting. I’m incapable of acting on anything and unable to deal with anyone at the moment. I don’t want to call my friends or run into people on the street. I can barely respond to e-mails. I can’t focus on work for long periods. I just feel so consumed on what’s happening to me that I can’t summon the energy to listen to someone else. It’s not a great place to be in.

Still Hoping

2005-08-01T17:33:00.000-04:00

All the silly reasons I want this cycle to be the one:

Next month I’ll be living in a different part of the city, so the commute to the RE’s office will be longer.
It wouldn’t matter, for procreation purposes, that D was living in San Francisco and that we only got to see each other during the weekends.
I’d give birth before turning 35.
I’d be pregnant for my 34th birthday.
When we move into the new apartment I could think of one of the bedrooms as a kid’s room, instead of as my craft room.
I’d be able to donate 3+ boxes of bravelle to someone else.
I’d be able to tell my parents the good news for their anniversary.
I wouldn’t have to go through the high holidays or Thanksgiving and Christmas for the 3rd year in a row not pregnant.

But the real reasons I want this cycle to be the one:

I’m sick of spending money on IF treatments. I know I’m so very fortunate that I don’t have to worry about the expense, but the injustice of having to pay for conceiving a child is maddening.
With D’s shipping off to the West Coast imminent (although still not specified), it’s likely that this is the last chance before IVF. And IVF is scary.
I’m tired. Tired of wanting. Tired of hoping. Tired of this grind.

The IUI yesterday went fine. It was one of the more painful ones I’ve had, and I had spotting yesterday and today, which, while not unusual, is not typical for me. But this seems to be the cycle of spotting so I’m still chalking that up to my body having new and wondrous things going on inside it. I did feel all day yesterday, and today to some extent, like my ovaries had engaged in some kind of title bout; they’ve been sore and heavy but not crampy.

I just have a good feeling about this month. The Red Sox didn’t trade Manny and it sounds like yesterday was a magical day at Fenway. They’re still in first place (as Internal Spring pointed out) and that’s not a minor accomplishment. For the first time in awhile I remembered to say “rabbit, rabbit” when I woke up. I sure hope it does the trick.

And Now For Something Completely Different…

2005-07-29T10:55:00.000-04:00

I got a little teary at the end of today’s monitoring appointment. That in itself is nothing new, but the reason for the eyes watering is that I’m excited. And hopeful. And I think it’s going to work this month. Of course, if it doesn’t I will hit a new depth of depression and frustration not seen since Matt & Ben tried making a hit movie with their Project Greenlight.

It’s my RE’s fault I’m so encouraged. He personally performed my ultrasounds yesterday and today (not usual – generally you just go in the rotation and one of the many docs takes notes; yesterday he specifically told me that I should ask for him this morning) and said this morning that everything is great. The facts are that I have five follicles all between 15 & 18mm ready for triggering tonight. Lining looks great. Yesterday’s E2 level was 736. But what really sparked the surge of optimism is that after saying I had five perfect follicles he felt the need to warn me about the risk of multiples. Sure, when we’ve discussed various procedures in the past I’ve heard the speech – but never on trigger day. Never not as a hypothetical. Never because my body warrants such counsel.

Of course, I p’shawed his concern away. Multiples shmultiples. And he said, “Twins would be okay, but triplets…” I was so blasé about it all. “Whatever.” He continued “Would you ever consider reducing…” and I threw out a non-chalant “Sure. I have no problem with that.” And then he was gone and I was dressed and all I could think was “He thinks we’ll hit the target this time.”

But while on the bus to work my mind returned to my carefree attitude about multiples. Of course, at this stage, isn’t it a “problem” (I can barely let myself type that word to describe it) any IF would love to have? It’s up there with colicky babies and inability to find babysitters. Honestly, I know that if by some miracle, I ended up with 3 embryos growing inside me, I wouldn’t think twice about reducing it to 2. And that makes me feel guilty. Not for doing it, but for having no qualms about doing so. As if, since I’ve experienced infertility, shouldn’t I feel differently about selective reduction? As I write this, I see though, that it’s probably good I don’t feel differently. Yes, infertility has affected me in many, many ways, but I’m still the same girl I was when I was on the pill. I’m still the girl who believes fiercely in a woman’s right to choose whether or not to have a child. In fact, if infertility hasn’t changed my mind on that subject, I don’t think anything will.

So let me be the poster child for the right to choose. Let me have to face the tough decision for myself. Prove the adage “Be careful what you wish for.” I’m ready.

Counting Chickens Before They're Hatched

2005-07-27T17:21:00.000-04:00

So no sooner than 10 minutes after I published my last post, D calls with this astonishing news: he's been asked by his law firm senior partner extraordinaire if he'd be willing to work out of the San Francisco office for a few months. Apparently, there's a senior partner out there doing the same kind of work as D, but sadly his wife is dying and he needs some "high level" assistance. How can you say "no, thanks" to that?

And yes, it's flattering and great for his career, but it means that I'll be living in this 1800sq. ft. apt. by myself, never mind the fact that continuing treatment if needed won't be possible. Obviously, this news is not sitting well with me. I've had a killer headache for hours now, and no tylenol at hand.

Seriously, if I hadn't written that I thought things were coming together at last, would this have happened?

Falling Into Place

2005-07-27T14:40:00.000-04:00

I’m trying to be hopeful and optimistic about my life at the moment, despite the fact that D is currently in one of his worst states. At last, we have a closing date for our apartment purchase. Therefore I can hire the contractor to do all the fixins before we move in. And I’ll know what day to tell our current landlord we’re leaving (and I’ll know if we need to ask for additional time in the apt.). Then I can hire the movers. And then we can buy new furniture. Finally, the pieces are falling into place in the picture that I want.

And my current injectible cycle is progressing well too – with everything there falling as I’d hope. I’m currently on cd8 and quite proud of my status: yesterday’s E2 level was 367, and as of this morning's scan I have 5 total follicles (3 on one side, 2 on the other) all between 12 and 15mm. I’m thrilled not to have one follicle way out ahead of the others, and I’m thrilled not to have triggered yet. Plus, I had no cysts at the start of the cycle. Doc thinks I’ll be ready to trigger tomorrow for IUI on Saturday – which actually is the best day for us to do it.

There have been some anomalies this go round – starting of course with that brief 22-day cycle. During my period I leaked through a tampon in like an hour and a half. That happened the previous month as well, but never before in my life. And then 2 nights ago I had some spotting, even though my period had ended days before. I’m choosing to regard these strange occurrences as proof that my body is preparing for a new adventure, as alternative explanations would only cause worry.

So I’m hopeful. It’s the better place to be.

Sooner Than Expected

2005-07-19T13:39:00.000-04:00

Apparently today is CD1. When I awoke I thought it was CD23, but I’ve been informed otherwise. This is good because – who the hell am I kidding? This is not good. Here are the reasons why:
1. My darling D is coming home tonight, after being away from me for more than 2 weeks. Suffice it to say, our reunion won’t go as cleanly as we would’ve liked.
2. Due to my cousin’s wedding I will be out of town the mornings of CD6 & 7. I suppose that’s really not too traumatic, right? I mean, I should be able to go in for u/s & blood draw on cd 7 in the afternoon if necessary – even if that’s not how it normally works, so it just means no monitoring on cd6. That shouldn’t be too bad.
3. It means my cycle this month lasted 22 days. Of course, that means nothing, because I don’t know for sure when I ovulated. If I ovulated on cd10, it’s my average luteal phase. But, one has to admit, a 22-day cycle seems a bit screwy.
4. I’ll have to be carrying a little shots-to-go kit to both the wedding and rehearsal dinner. How sober do you have to be to reconstitute bravelle?

So, now I’m waiting for my assistant to leave the office so I can make the phonecall to the nurses telling them I’ll be in on Thursday morning to start my next cycle. You know what though? It’s cd1 and I’m not sad about it. Despite the bad timing, I’m actually looking forward to the hope and chance it brings.

Biding Time

2005-07-18T12:46:00.000-04:00

Since I’m on a ttc break, it seems that I’ve also been on a blog posting break. Part of it is that I started the blog to discuss my ttc journey and not to bore you with the random, day-to-day happenings in my life. Part of the break comes from being busy at work. And if I’m truly honest with myself, I’ll admit that part of the respite is because writing a post is such a daunting task. There are so many eloquent IF bloggers out there, that sometimes it feels that I shouldn’t bother; whatever I say will never be as funny, as insightful as compelling as what’s already being written. But, just as with ttc, I must keep on. I love having the support of other bloggers, and am so grateful for the outlet. So reader, I thank you for checking up on me and supporting me, even if I’m not the best/funniest/smartest writer out there.

Since I haven’t had anything physical to do with ttc, last week I turned my attention to the financial. I created a lovely excel spreadsheet detailing all my insurance claims for this year’s IUIs, and matched it all up to what I’ve paid out and for what I’ve been billed. I found 3 claims that insurance didn’t pony up for, but should have, and I’ve been working on getting the proper documentation to be able to prove it. Thus far I’ve gotten a check for $70 and expect more to follow. So please consider this an urging to my fellow IF’s to pursue all claims to the fullest extent possible. I truly think insurance companies expect people not to examine and question claims, figuring most people are too lazy or too embittered to appeal. And sometimes all it takes is a phonecall.

In other news, a friend of mine pointed me to this article, which I was wondering if anyone else had read. I had been thinking about changing doctors, but then I read this and see that my center’s listed number 2. Its stats are always high, which is why I picked it in the first place. I just hear horror stories of women not being diagnosed with something that, to another doctor, is obvious and worry that my doctor is missing something. How much can one do to protect oneself? How can you insure that you’re getting the best possible care?

Somewhere you have to draw a line, and just make a decision and go with it. Generally, I’m pretty good at doing that. But with each successive failed cycle, it gets harder to do. I so look forward to the time where I'll be done with all of this. It just seems so far off at the moment.

Fourth Verse - Same As The First

2005-07-12T17:22:00.000-04:00

So, I didn’t even ask my RE my all-consuming question. I guess I figure, if he knew he’d tell me. All went just as expected. We talked about what to do next and he advised that, although he normally likes to do things in threes, I could try injectible IUIs a couple more times, but that I should think about when I’d want to bring out the big guns of IVF. He said (before I told him that due to insurance I wanted to wait until next year for IVF) that given my age, my response to the drugs, and the fact that the success rate of IVF doesn’t dramatically drop for me over the next 6 months to a year, that more IUIs is a realistic option.

I asked about exercising and he said to go for it. I asked if we’d just continue with the bravelle and he said yes. He didn’t agree with my assessment that I seem to have one dominant follicle that charges ahead (second cycle that didn’t happen I guess). I asked if I’m due for a regular ob/gyn visit and he said he’d do a pap right then and there. So we did. While doing it he started busting on other REs that refuse to do them – even if they’re performing a regular pelvic exam. My RE is definitely a nice guy; I just worry that he’s got so many patients it’s hard to keep track of little ole me. But today he looked through my file, reviewed the past tests and still seems to think that I can get pregnant. So in two weeks we start singing the song again.

Take Action

2005-07-12T12:45:00.000-04:00

Despite the fact that I am doing everything in my powers to get pregnant, I firmly believe that a woman has the right to choose whether or not she wants to give birth to a child. If you believe the same, please take a moment to tell your Senators to oppose any Supreme Court nominee that will threaten these rights:

Don't Overturn Roe v. Wade

I don't want to use my blog as a soapbox, but since this is related to reproductive rights I think it's appropriate.

Added 7/13:

Now I know this is preachy, but I'm compelled to add this to my plea to take action:

Tell your Senators you support stem-cell research

Questions.

2005-07-11T16:09:00.000-04:00

I’m a bit apprehensive about my appointment with my RE tomorrow. I suppose we’re going to discuss next steps, and he’s going to recommend IVF. Or perhaps he’ll recommend more IUIs using injectibles. I plan to tell him that we’re ready to proceed to IVF – but not until I’m covered by D’s insurance – so it could be another 6 months. Will he say that’s too long to wait? Will he say we should try naturally until then? Will he be able to explain why it seems that I always have one dominant follicle that matures way ahead of the pack? Does anyone have any ideas about things I should be asking? Of course, the one question I really have – Why aren’t I getting pregnant? – still seems to be unanswerable.

Fragile - Handle With Care

2005-07-08T12:51:00.000-04:00

As I mentioned previously, I went home last weekend for my parents 120th birthday bash on July 4th. It was a lovely day and 75+ of our family’s friends and relatives came to celebrate the day. This included my friend who gave birth to her first in April (after a year and a half of trying, going thru IUIs galore, 1 miscarriage and has PCOS), with son, lots of cousins 9 and under, and many, many relatives who care deeply about me. All of who know that I’ve been trying to get pregnant for a freakin’ long time.

So I don’t know if it was my own discomfort around infants and children, or adults discomfort around me, but I had a vague sensation of everyone treating me like glass. As though I have the words "Fragile- Handle With Care" stamped on my forehead. I’m not proud to admit it, but they probably have to do so because I really can break down easily. One of my father’s oldest friends told me how he knew we’ve been trying, and how frustrating it must be when you were so careful for so long. And he went on to say that he hopes it happens soon because he knows I’ll be a great mother. I didn’t know how to react. I’m sure I said “thank you” but what else was there to say? Another cousin, while I was explaining why we’ve put our move to Maine on hold, mentioned that she didn’t have her youngest until she was 40; more proof that I’m young and shouldn’t worry and should relax, blah-blah-blah.

I guess I just found it difficult to socialize – even though I knew everyone there – because at these kinds of functions everyone you see asks you “What’s new?” and all my heart feels is “Nothing’s new. Still not pregnant.” Thank goodness I’m moving into a new apartment, because without that conversation topic I don’t know what I would’ve talked about with anyone.

Anyway, I just want to wish everyone (Donnie, Suz, Bugs, Katie ) that’s currently cycling success. Since there’s no chance of my getting pregnant this month, I’m counting on you all to bring forth good news.

100 Little Things

2005-06-28T17:53:00.000-04:00

So, the spa Friday afternoon was fun. I spent way too much money on facial products. Ever since I went off BCP my face has been breaking out like crazy; the influx of hormones from IF treatments surely hasn’t helped. As a result, I’ve become super self-conscious about the way my skin looks and have been on a desperate search for a miracle cure for that glowing, blemish-free complexion. I’ve been using ProActiv, but can’t say it’s done much for me. So I succumbed to the facial lady’s sale pitch and pulled out the credit card. Maybe since this cycle will be au naturel, my face will suffer less?

I also think that since I won’t have anything to say about IF treatments for awhile, it might be a good time now to let you all know a little bit more about me. Thus, without further ado, I present my version of 100 Things To Know About Me:

No one in the real world calls me Mellie (unless it’s used as “Mellie-Mel”). I chose it as my blogger screen name in a silly attempt to conceal my true identity from anyone that might know me in the physical world who happens across my blog. But really, after reading my entries, how dense would you have to be to not know if it was me or not?
D was the first man I ever slept with and hopefully he’ll be the last.
There were 6 other guys, and I’m grateful for them. I’d know I’d regret it if I’d only ever been with D.
Out of my 7, I regret 1.
My family is a close-knit one. We don’t speak daily, but my parents (currently married for 36 years) raised us (I have 2 younger brothers) to believe that family is the most important thing.
I’m sure that’s one of the reasons having a child is a must for me. In my head, D & I are just a couple – not a family. It’s like that Sleeping in Seattle moment when Meg Ryan’s in the car playing “I spy.”
In February I began volunteering once a week at a homeless shelter reading one-on-one with kids aged 5- 12.
I took a crochet class last September and love it. My mom’s a world-class knitter, so I like that I’m kind of following in her footsteps. I’m currently working on my first baby blanket, which I’m hopeful I’ll get to use next year.
I have three girlfriends that I truly consider my best friends.
I like to travel. My favorite vacation was my honeymoon (11 days in Greece, visiting Athens, Santorini and Crete).
Living in New York City is fun, but part of me really wants to live in a suburb. But I think telling people outside of NY that I live in the city makes me sound cool.
Snakes scare me.
I think the best thing about me is that I’m fiercely loyal.
I wish I were funnier.
I thought I’d be a better boss than I am. My assistant drives me crazy a lot, and I’m too shy to offer any criticism.
In college I was a D.J. at the school radio station. I had a Broadway show tune show on Sunday mornings.
My favorite musicals are Into the Woods and Once on this Island. (And, I swear I just realized this, both of them have infertility as part of the plot. That’s a little disturbing.)
In 4th grade I was voted the “Friendliest” person in the class.
Growing up I was never concerned about my weight, but ever since my sister-in-law said I “could stand to gain 10 pounds” I’ve been freakin’ out about it. Even though, as I told her, neither my RE, nor my GP has said such a thing and my BMI is within the normal range.
I have a great job. I think my boss is fabulous. I’m quite fortunate as far as my career goes.
I’ve told my husband that if he cheated on me I wouldn’t necessarily divorce him.
I hate that the lives of celebrities has become such a part of our culture. Why should anything they say or do be news?
Before my current profession I was a stockbroker for a few years.
I took a Greyhound bus from Boston to Colorado to spend the summer living with D after I graduated from college. I flew back.
Autumn is my favorite season. It means renewal – probably since it has my birthday, the Jewish New Year, and was the start of the school year.
I like being a Boston sports fan. I think because it makes you feel like you’re part of a community.
Have I mentioned that D & I met in high school? We went to the Senior Prom together. But we didn’t get married until I was 30.
At our wedding, instead of using numbers to designate each table I named each table after a city where one (or both) of us had lived or spent a significant amount of time. There was a picture frame on each table with the name of the city, followed by a short paragraph explaining the significance of each place.
I love that we have this long history together, and that when we reminisce about those high school years we know exactly what the other is talking about.
My favorite piece of art in my home is an embellished lithograph on canvas of this print by Gary Benfield.
We also have serigraphs from Michael Kachan and Linda LeKniff among others.
I was captain of my high school softball team, even though I honestly, wasn’t very talented.
I am currently addicted to Grand Theft Auto – Vice City. The sense of accomplishment after completing a mission – even if it involved killing lots of people in a violent manner – is comforting to me.
D and I don’t share a lot of hobbies, which worries me sometimes.
I’ve never been an animal person. We didn’t have pets growing up, and I’ve often thought that pet owners are a little crazy. But lately, I’ve been thinking it might be great to have a little puppy to love.
My favorite meal is probably lobster & steamers.
Chocolate soufflés are my favorite dessert. But skip the coulis.
The first concert I ever went to was James Taylor at Great Woods.
The last concert I went to was a free one by Lyle Lovett last July 4th (I think). It might have been a free one by either Fountains of Wayne or Rhett Butler sometime last summer. New York has great free events in the summer.
I bought a mountain bike when I was 22 because of a boy. If I’ve ridden it more than 22 times I’d be surprised.
I did do the 5 Borough Bike Ride on it one year though, with D and our friends B & J.
I’m a pretty good downhill skier. I’ve been doing it since I was 6 so I should be.
I don’t waterski. And I’m not a very good sailor. I tend to get seasick, unless I’m on a big cruise ship, a kayak or canoe.
I’m superstitious.
I wish I could sing on key. But I still like singing anyway.
I went to overnight camp from age 7 to 16. I think that experience helps define you.
I had a Huey Lewis and the News poster on my bedroom wall in 1985.
I also had a picture of Doug Flutie over my bed.
I told D that I had my own blog this weekend. I swear I told him before, but he didn’t remember.
I was my paternal grandparents only granddaughter out of 8 grandchildren. It made me feel special.
I was on the pill from age 18 to 32. My mom thinks that might be part of the reason for my IF.
I don’t like wearing high heels.
D kicked me in the head once accidentally. He was supposed to be showing off his karate skills and sweep his leg over me. As payback I made him walk up and down a hill clucking like a chicken.
I love that D can be goofy with me.
I love thunderstorms and summer rain.
I love watching snow fall (as long as I’m not driving in it).
The TV shows I refuse to miss are: Gilmore Girls, Alias (though I was greatly disappointed this season), Lost, and Deadwood. I’m also devoted to Scrubs, Arrested Development, The O.C. (love Adam Brody), Six Feet Under, and Entourage. Thank g-d for Tivo!
I refuse to watch most reality television.
I have a slight crush on Rachel Ray.
In our new apartment, what will someday be the nursery will at first be my craft room. I hope to get caught up on my scrapbooking since I’m over 2 years behind. And I still have to do a wedding and honeymoon book.
I’ve never talked to a therapist, though I think I would like it.
I’m pretty frugal. Sometimes I’m even cheap. But I’ve never been in debt.
I’m organized about most things.
When I was a kid and didn’t like what we were having for dinner, I’d take pieces of the food, spit them into my napkin, then chuck them under the kitchen table so they’d land closer to my brother’s chair. I wonder what my Mom thought?
I don’t think D & I are soulmates, because I think you could be happy with more than one person. It would just be different.
I love D because he’s smart and interesting and makes me laugh.
I worry that my brother and some of our single friends won’t find someone to share their life with.
I say I believe in G-d, but I’m not completely sure I do.
I was not in a sorority in college. I did live in the Arts House during the spring semester of my junior year though.
I spent the fall semester of junior year in Switzerland. I think every college student should do a semester abroad.
I wish I had stayed in Europe after the semester ended and toured around. I really wish D had flown out to meet me, and that we could have toured around together. Instead I went straight home ‘cuz I missed him. That’s a little pathetic – and one of my life’s regrets.
I want to name our first child after our maternal grandmothers.
I’m a registered Republican (don’t hate me).
Lately I’ve thought about changing my political party ‘cuz since Bush became President I can’t identify with the party. When I turned 18 I registered Republican ‘cuz I am definitely fiscally conservative. And I liked going against the crowd – living in Massachusetts, as a Republican is practically unheard of. Now I don’t know what to do. I still think we should be able to balance the budget and that we spend way too much, but my take on the quality of life issues is so liberal that I don’t want to belong to any party.
In fact, I’ve told friends that I want to start my own political party. I’ve dubbed it “The Smart Party.” The platform is pro-choice, pro-gay rights, pro-stem cell research, and based on the premise that people need to be responsible for their own choices and actions.
Lately D & I have been talking about going to New Orleans for a long weekend and going to Monaco for the Grand Prix. He’s gotten into Formula 1 racing recently.
I feel guilty sometimes that we see so much more of my family than D’s family. But I don’t think it can be helped.
I’m spending way too much of my work hours on this post, and blogging in general.
None of my closest friends were married before they turned 30.
Neither D nor I own an ipod. Yet.
I’ve spent more than $100 on a pair of shoes only once in my life.
I love playing board games. D does not. Playstation works for both of us.
I carry a book with me almost everywhere I go.
I don’t have any tattoos. D has a small tattoo of Kokopelli over his left shoulder blade. Is that ironic?
I love the Olympics. So much fun to watch.
The first adult vacation (sans family) I ever took/planned, was a trip to the Grand Canyon with D. We were not properly prepared for the hike down, but I wouldn’t change a thing.
I prefer contemporary styling to Victorian, arts and crafts to country kitchen.
I like playing croquet and shuffleboard.
Fourteen is my favorite number. I don’t know why.
I’ve smoked a cigarette twice in my life.
I fainted at a play once. Not from a chair – it was more performance art and the audience was standing around the actors in this enclosed little space. I hit the floor.
I’m indebted to my high school English teacher for teaching me how to write a proper essay (not that I display those techniques here).
I failed my drivers’ license test the first time.
My current favorite play is The Pillowman. Go see it if you can. I highly recommend it.
Even though I work in theater, it’s my husband who has performed on a Broadway stage.
I’m contemplating seeing a nutritionist. Has anyone gone to one?
My acupuncturist told me about this feng-shui thing to do for infertility: you’re supposed to take a picture of a baby (from a magazine or something) and put it face to face with a picture of you and your husband. Tie a red ribbon around the 2 pictures and place it under your mattress. Yes, I tried it.
I think skylines and bridges make a great view.
D proposed to me in Central Park.
I’ve only had yelling fights with males; never with a girlfriend.
I hope you found some part of this list interesting and maybe you feel like you know me a little bit more.

Geesh. That took a bloody long time. Thanks for reading!

Thank you!

2005-06-25T11:32:00.000-04:00

I just want to say thank you to everyone that's left me a comment, subscribed to my blog (yeah bloglines!) and, in general, is out there rooting for me. Logging on this morning and seeing all the kind words and outpouring of support from you (even if you didn't post, knowing that you're out there keeping tabs on me) makes me feel a hundred time better and really does make me feel less alone in this struggle. I know other IF bloggers have said it before and said it better, but you make me feel that I'm a part of a special community that's got my back as I deal with REs and monkey wands and shots and insurance carriers. I'm so grateful for you all.

Ummm, beer.

2005-06-24T13:01:00.000-04:00

Bring on the alcohol. Sangria. Frozen mudslides. Summer ale. The blood test was negative once again.

I was so proud of myself for not fretting during this 2ww. When I went to buy the Monistat last night to cure the lovely progesterone side effect, I didn’t even seriously contemplate buying an hpt even though they were quite literally side by side. I knew I wasn’t pregnant. Yet, there was a sliver of hope somewhere inside me that had fantasized about leaving work at 2pm and surprising D at the office with the news. And that sliver of hope forced me to become a little choked up on the phone with the nurse when she called with the results. But now, 10 minutes later with nary a tear shed, I’ve already left a message for my doctor to schedule an appointment to discuss the next step and am determined to move on with my day. I have a manicure and facial scheduled at a fancy-shmancy spa and by golly I'm going to enjoy it.

D will be out of town from 7/5 – 7/15 or so for work (unless the case settles), so next month is going to be an off cycle anyway. I’ve got one of my best friends visiting tomorrow, and next weekend I’m heading to Boston for my parents 120th birthday party (every year they have a bar-b-que on the 4th, and this year they turned it into a party since they both turned 60 within the last month) and hopefully a Red Sox game at Fenway. Bring on the alcohol.

Other Medical Professionals

2005-06-22T18:23:00.000-04:00

I had my regular bi-annual dental cleaning appt. this morning (actually I was supposed to have it last week, but changed it when I thought I might have to go to the RE on the morning of CD 14). I’ve never really minded going to the dentist, but lately what’s bothered me about going is that every visit is a reminder that another 6 months have gone by and I’m still not pregnant.

But I go, and am forced into admitting to the staff of the office that, while, I’m not currently pregnant, technically I could be, so please let’s skip the x-rays. And everyone was quite pleasant about it, offering typical assvice gems such as “don’t worry, it’ll happen when you least expect it” and “you should go on vacation – that worked for my sister.” And I smile and nod in agreement, because for some reason, assvice from strangers doesn’t bother me so much. It’s almost like the equivalent of talking about the weather. I do feel badly that when D goes in for his treatments (and he’s been undergoing some major surgery lately requiring frequent visits – yeah for gum grafting!), the office staff will be aware of this part of his sex life.

It was kind of interesting how the fact that I’m trying to get pregnant played so much a part of today’s appointment. Besides not having x-rays and serving as the conversation topic between me and the office assistant, it served as an even stronger reason for the dental hygienist to implore that I floss more. (As a side note, when I first started ttc, I made flossing a daily part of my regimen. Along with no alcohol and cutting down on caffeine, it was part of my “get body ready for pregnancy” plan. But as the cycles kept coming, the flossing disappeared and the alcohol flowed copiously.) And the dentist then came in to say that when I find out either way I should call because if it’s good news I can schedule another dental appt. since you should have 3 visits while pregnant, and if it’s the other than I could stop by and have the x-rays taken.

I just wanted to get my teeth cleaned – I didn’t need to find other things and people whose course of action depends on a pregnancy test. Grrrrr.

And, to make things even more exciting, I’m pretty sure I’ve developed a yeast infection. Of course, the progesterone suppositories make it hard to diagnose, but the level of discomfort I’m experiencing is clearly indicative. I wouldn’t have thought it was possible what with all the activity and monitoring that goes on down there, but I guess those wacky hormones keep finding new ways to play with me!

I called my regular gynecologist and haven’t yet received a call back. What’s one more suppository when it’s for such a good cause?

Bein' Green

2005-06-20T16:21:00.000-04:00

One of the perks of my job is getting to leave the office at 2pm on Fridays between Memorial Day Weekend and Labor Day. It makes the week go that much quicker, which is a great thing when you’re in the 2ww. This past Friday I used the afternoon off to finally visit a friend/co-worker of mine who gave birth to her first child in April. For some reason, I’m better able to handle being around children and pregnant women when I’m in the two-week wait. I think not having to visit the RE repeatedly allows hope to grow, and the positive thoughts of “maybe this time” beat away the envy. Regardless, I finally got my butt up to see my friend and her darling one and had quite the pleasant time. I hadn’t seen her since she left on maternity leave, and hadn’t spoken with her since a couple days after she gave birth, so we had a lot to catch up on. The baby boy slept most of the time, and we went for a walk around the neighborhood (which, knock on wood, will soon be my new neighborhood) and it was fun. Conversation wasn’t too child-heavy, and she did ask about my trials and tribulations and didn’t say anything that offended me; as opposed to another friend that we spent time with on Saturday.

You see, I decided to continue my good-deeds and set up a date for D & I to spend time Saturday with friends who have a 3-year-old boy and just had a baby girl last month. I’ve been feeling guilty because I still haven’t sent a gift, and we gave them a pretty generous one when their boy was born. But I figured they’re more likely to get upset if I continue to avoid them, so better to get it over and done with. We bought sandwiches and had a picnic in a park around the corner. It was nice, I only got teary when I watched D kneel down and start playing catch with their son. For some reason, it totally pulled my heartstrings. I know Donna understands, as she tells a similar tale.

Of course, my friend eventually asked me about my IF procedures. I never bring it up with anyone, but always wait for the topic to be broached by him or her. I guess because I don’t want to make them uncomfortable? (This is probably worth exploring in a new post someday, if not on a therapist’s couch.) Anyway, after I explained my current protocol my friend said something like “You seem to be doing okay with it – or are you just putting on a brave front?” I replied that it’s a brave front, that I’m pretty much sad all the time. But then I shrug my shoulders in that “But what can you do?” way, because apparently this is how I handle the thought of making my friends feel uneasy with the conversation. Then she replies, “Well, at least you’re not having repeated miscarriages.”

I know she offered it up as a “Look at the positive side of things” quip. But the thing is, despite reading the heartbreaking blogs of people who have suffered so, there’s a part of me that desperately just wants to know that IT IS POSSIBLE for me to BE pregnant - even if it was for one week. I know that’s crazy, and that those of you who have gone through the pain of a miscarriage wouldn’t wish it on anyone, but that’s where my head and heart are. I tried explaining this to my friend, and she said that she was just trying to look at things with a glass-half-full approach. But to me, it just felt like the pain and sadness I feel was being belittled. That since I hadn’t really lost anything real, I shouldn’t feel so depressed and lost myself. I imagine it’s frustrating for someone to repeatedly get pregnant and then lose it. Yet I know, that to not ever have experienced that moment of joy and possibility from 2 pinks lines is maddening.

Of course I don’t really wish for a miscarriage. I wish for a positive pregnancy test with a real high beta number, and strong heartbeat and clear ultrasound picture and a risk-free 9 month pregnancy, with a happy and healthy baby at the end. And I wish for the ability to stop looking over other people’s fences and noticing how much greener their yards are then mine.

B(IF)FF.

2005-06-16T15:37:00.000-04:00

Describing what infertility feels like to someone who hasn’t personally experienced it is surely impossible. We try, like Boulder eloquently does, to come up with analogies, but I’m not sure anything can really get the point across. And I think that’s what makes going on with your everyday life so difficult. I’ll meet up with friends and/or relatives who will kindly ask me what’s going on with “the baby stuff” (as my sister-in-law recently referred to it) and my answer barely skims the surface of what is truly happening to me. I don’t mind them asking, and I happily share the details of the monitoring process and the giving of shots and the IUI procedure and the progesterone and when test day is. But I’m completely unable to express the frustration, the sadness, the disappointment, the gleams of hope that truly make up “what’s going on with the baby stuff.” Thus, I feel like I’m forced into being this superficial, phony friend/sister-in-law/daughter, because I’m not honestly sharing how I’m doing. Not only do I feel badly about being infertile because of what it means for my future, but I feel badly because I know it makes my parents and D and those that truly love me worry about and feel terrible for me. And this makes me less likely to want to spend time with a friend/sister-in-law/parent, because I hate not being able to be completely open with them, so I choose staying home rather than going out. Which then only leads to feeling isolated and alone and, of course, depressed. It’s one of the many Catch-22s IF has introduced me to.

Which I guess is why having fellow IF friends can be such a relief. Mare writes today about meeting Amy, a fellow IF blogger, and how great it was “to be in the company of someone who totally and completely gets my situation.” And I hear what she’s saying. Recently my best friend found out that her husband has congenital bilateral absence of vas deferens, so that their only option is IVF. She’s just begun the grueling tests, the calls to insurance companies, the endless waiting for the next step. Although she has been ttc for a year and a half, it’s only now that she confessed she sees what a struggle I’ve been undertaking. I wish to hell she didn’t have to find out. Statistically I thought that at least my trouble would allow those close to me to escape the IF curse. If it’s 10% of the population, shouldn’t I be the 1 out of my closest 10 friends (granted, I’m not sure I have 10 close friends) to suffer? Alas, that’s not how it works apparently. When she first found out she called me and said, “Let’s do IVF together!” And I honestly wanted to. It won’t work out that way timing-wise, but just knowing that she and I are walking this road together makes me think the trip will be less painful.

Tick. Tock.

2005-06-14T15:22:00.000-04:00

Oh, how to make time pass quickly.

Work is certainly doing everything it can to make the hours speed past. I suppose that’s a good thing, but geesh, I haven’t been so swamped with my job in a long time. I guess that’s what happens when your show is a success (at least for the time being).

And my apartment to-do list is also keeping me busy. We actually went over the weekend to see the apartment with my mom, and we got to see the result from the landslide. We absolutely have the most gorgeous view of the construction pit from our living room window. But the lawyers have traded letters and it appears that we have no choice but to move ahead with the sale (which, truth be told, I want to do anyway. I love this apartment.). My mom helped me decide on paint colors for the place, which is a huge relief to me. We responded to the additional questions asked of the co-op board’s “Admissions Committee” and have been approved for the official board interview on the 21st. I had a couple of movers come and give me estimates, but I still need to find some painters and someone to wax or polish (whatever one does to make hardwood look its prettiest) the floors. But I’m getting things accomplished and things are moving forward.

As for my training plan, I’m a little stymied. Since the doctor at the IUI last week told me specifically “no exercise” except for walking, I don’t know what to do! It strikes me as odd that I’ve been so instructed. Part of me is perfectly happy to continue my lazy, slothful ways, but part of me thinks my body might benefit from a little action. My bank account certainly appreciates having the gym membership on hold, but might I feel better if I started working out again?

I contacted one acupuncture place I was interested in, but after speaking with them I’m not sure it’s right for me. You’ll get a file and are likely to be treated by more than one acupuncturist depending on when your appt. is each day. I’ll have to do some more research, but if I can’t go on D’s health insurance until November anyway, which I think means I won’t actually be covered by it until 2006, I have quite a chunk of time before any pre-IVF work needs to be done.

I’m 4 days past IUI. 10 days ‘til beta. And I’m not taking a home test this time. What would be the point? I know the answer already. But if I’m wrong, on beta day I’d be 3 weeks 2 days pregnant. Is that even possible? Of course, the answer is no. But still, I wait for the confirmation.

Back Again.

2005-06-10T13:41:00.000-04:00

Well, I doubt if I’ve ever been more hopeless in my life. Here’s what happened:

The nurse called and left a message for me to trigger Wednesday night. I freaked out. Called D who calmed me down, insisted I make arrangements to speak with the doctor even if it meant leaving my afternoon meetings. I called the clinic back, the nurse explained that my doctor was out of the office and I explained to her my frustration. She suggested that I go ahead with the IUI since that does increase the odds, otherwise I could just try timed intercourse – which would mean triggering anyway or using an opk. But the gist was that you don’t want to waste the 19mm follicle. So I resigned myself to throwing yet more money after bad. What’s another $500 at this point for the monitoring fee and semen wash? Even if I’m bitter because I think I should’ve been taking smaller doses of bravelle.

I then had to arrange to pick up the ovidrel at a local pharmacy since I hadn’t yet ordered it from Freedom for mail delivery. (It was only day 7! I swear I had planned to order the hcg and more needles and a new sharps disposal that day.) Fortunately there’s a great pharmacy on my way home, but unfortunately my insurance won’t cover ovidrel unless I order it through the mail. WTF? So add an extra $25 penalty for my shortsightedness.

Later that night I tried to get D to have sex, but he was too tired from his gym workout. It was only Thursday morning when I thought to wonder about how long it had been since he last let his juices flow - Sunday night, making it 4 ½ days before IUI. My clinic recommends not abstaining for more than 4-5 days before insemination. I don’t know what you would do, but I opted for sex last night (less than 12 hours before his appt.) figuring that since his numbers are always good it’d be unlikely that his sample would be sub-par, and that I’d also have the bonus of another platoon of soldiers in the field working for us.

And the IUI went fine this morning. His sample was still great – 187 million post-wash, 92% motility, the nurse performing the IUI said my lining was fine and that I should have faith in the doctor. That, I guess, the 13mm follicle on the day 3 ultrasound wasn’t a cyst at all (I can’t remember if I assumed it was a cyst or if the doc that day used the word. I don’t think she did). Also, the nurse said today that I should avoid swimming and baths and no exercise for the next 2 weeks. I guess my trip to Hawaii wasn’t very conducive to getting pregnant. I start the progesterone again on Sunday morning and report back on 6/24 for a pregnancy test. The 2-week wait is here again and I swear I was just here.

Color Me Confused

2005-06-08T10:18:00.000-04:00

I thought that the more times you cycled, it would get easier, that things would make much more sense and your knowledge and experience would lessen the anxiety and questions. Thus, you can see why at today’s ultrasound I was completely baffled when the doctor said that I had one 19mm follicle and the rest were less than 10mm. Huh? IT’S DAY 7. 19mm would indicate time to trigger, no? She said yes it would but that my doctor will decide later once the blood results are in. She didn’t mention a cyst, so when I asked her what happened to the 13mm cyst from day 3 she said it could be the 19mm follicle now. Last cycle my cyst shrank daily, what’s up with it growing?

I don’t get it.

And I know I shouldn’t worry myself about it now. I should wait until the nurse calls with tonight’s instructions, and see what they say. But if they say trigger tonight for an IUI on DAY 9, I just don’t think I see the point with just one follicle.

Grrr.

Spring Training in the Summer

2005-06-06T17:08:00.000-04:00

I went in on Saturday morning for all that fun day 3 stuff. And for once, I wrote down all my information when they called with the instructions:

13mm cyst right ovary
E2: 65
FSH: 4.8
LH: 25

As opposed to last cycle, the 13mm left over follicle is nothing. And after using Dr. Google’s services, I feel pretty good about my bloodwork numbers. My doc always said that my ovarian reserve was fine, so I suppose it’s good to know it still appears to be. Of course, it doesn’t help at all to alleviate the frustration that comes from not getting pregnant even though all signs say you should.

Internal Spring’s post today has inspired me to come up with my own training plan. Spring training may have ended for baseball players in March, but there’s still time to get in the groove before the All-Star break. Herewith then are my top list of things I want to work on and I’m giving myself a deadline of July 12, the date of the All-Star Game.

Exercise

I put my gym membership on hold before the holidays in December, since between traveling the last 2 weeks of December and having the laparoscopy in January I knew I wouldn’t be making it there frequently. I did get into the habit of doing pilates at home for awhile, but since attending the class on injectibles where they said to lay-off the exercising, I’ve been blowing it off completely.

Personally, I hate exercising. I’ve never really gotten that “boost” that comes from a great workout – I just don’t feel guilty for not going. But a few weeks ago I walked home from 86th Street (about a 30 minute walk) and I couldn’t believe how sore my legs were, or how easily I got out of breath. I need to do SOMETHING to get back in shape.

Acupuncture

I had gone for acupuncture for almost 8 months last year, but was never really sure if it was doing anything for me. Once I started seeing my RE I stopped going, partly due to finances, and partly due to the convenience of not having another bi-weekly appointment. But if I am going to end up doing IVF, I want to be undergoing acupuncture treatment since the studies seem to indicate it helps (and I certainly don’t think it would hurt). I liked my acupuncturist, but would rather find someone more geographically convenient to work or home, and someone that isn’t outrageously expensive.

I think, for practicality’s sake, I better stop there. It’s five weeks away and I don’t want to set myself up for failure. Because besides these tasks, I have a multitude of things I need to do regarding moving into our new apartment (knock on wood). Assuming that we get approved by the co-op board, I then get to concentrate on accumulating all the paperwork needed for the closing, not to mention hiring a mover, finding a painter and maybe a floor refinisher and buying new furniture.

With the stress of buying an apartment, moving, and undergoing the infertility treatments, perhaps it isn’t any wonder that I’m not pregnant? Perhaps a regimented spring training plan for the start of summer will help me feel in control.

Insurance

2005-06-03T15:59:00.000-04:00

I’ve spent the last couple hours dealing with insurance payments for my last two IUIs. I suppose I should consider myself lucky that insurance is covering any of this, but damn, it’s depressing to see how much is being spent for nothing in return. That, on top of the fact that there is no logic to the billing procedures, is what is driving me crazy at the moment. Even though my doctor is a covered provider, the clinic isn’t, so even though my actual doctor may perform the actual ultrasound, I still have to pay for it as though someone who isn’t a covered provider is wielding the wand.

---Newsflash---

This just in: My darling husband e-mailed me to say that he’s learned (at my urging) that his insurance will cover up to 4 tries at IVF. I can hardly believe it!!! Currently we’re both under my insurance coverage as it costs us nothing out of pocket, and to be on his we would have to pay. I believe we have to wait until November before their enrollment opens again – but I have no doubt that it will be here before we know it. Of course, I’d love for this IUI to work, but not having to shell out the $10K as we thought we’d have to sure is worth celebrating.

Perhaps I should stop focusing on the future and concentrate on positive vibes for this cycle, but that news sure made me happy and successfully eliminated all the frustration I had been feeling moments ago about those damn insurance companies. And that’s a good way to start a weekend – and a new cycle. It’s CD2 officially, and the process begins anew tomorrow.

Next Up, Injectible IUI #3

2005-06-02T14:04:00.000-04:00

Besides the obvious, one reason I dislike progesterone suppositories is that it forces me to wait even longer before moving on. When not using the lovely abdominal cramp-inducing medication, at least my big day of disappointment coincides with the start of a new cycle (for as I mentioned previously, I’m not a frequent pee-on-a-stick kind of girl). But now I’m forced to wallow in the failure of the last cycle without the distraction of what’s going on in with my new cycle.

And I keep thinking shouldn’t I just move on to IVF? Why will a third injectible IUI cycle produce any different results? But our plan has always been to do 3 cycles before proceeding (does having this as a plan ahead of time mean I was destined to go through 3 cycles?); it was something that D felt strongly about so I acquiesced.

What’s really strange about it all is that D is not dying to be a father. He’s certainly come to accept the idea, but if I went home and told him that I’ve decided I didn’t want us to have kids he’d be pretty happy. Hence, when we started ttc it was clearly “my project.” He didn’t want to know anything about my temperatures or cervical fluid or what certain books said we should do in the three months before we began trying (despite the fact that I highlighted and tabbed certain sections for him to read in Before Your Pregnancy). Then last December, when I was in one of my really bad bouts of infertile depression, I told him that I wanted to start looking into adoption. He said we should try IVF first, and it blew me away.

We’re both pretty practical people, particularly when it comes to money. Before I started the injectibles I thought I’d skip IVF and the 50% chance of having a biological child for spending the same amount of money and the 99% chance of having any child. But D, who I know is terrified at the prospect of becoming a parent at all, wants to explore all our options of having a biological child. And given that it’s his salary that provides us with the luxury of being able to afford trying the various options, I think it’s only fair to go see them all through. So next up is bravelle-IUI #3.

I’ve just started feeling those premenstrual cramps, so it looks like CD 1 will be here soon.

Paddling Out

2005-05-31T14:46:00.000-04:00

Well, I’m sure it’s no surprise to anyone but Kauai is beautiful. We had wonderful weather to enjoy our hiking, kayaking, ziplining and boat riding, there was lots of family time (maybe a bit too much), and we ate and drank well. Of course, the question of whether or not I was pregnant was continually running through my mind.

One of the best parts of our vacation was learning how to surf. As a northeast girl I didn’t really think I’d be into it, but D and I really loved it. Besides the 2-hour lesson we rented boards twice and tried to catch some waves on our own. There really wasn’t much instruction involved in the lessons, besides the basics of how to stand up. Instead, you have to rely on your instincts as to which wave to go after and when to start paddling, when to stand up and for beginners that is the hardest part – standing itself isn’t difficult, but knowing when to try and when to wait is. So one finds oneself repeatedly paddling back out to try again since the wave you chose may not be strong enough to carry you, or it may have been too strong and knocked you over. You paddle hard against the current to get to your starting spot, wait and wait for a wave that looks good to you, commit to one, start paddling and hope that you get enough momentum going for that magic moment when the surf catches you and you’re free to stand and just look straight ahead as the water carries you ashore.

Out of the 5 of us that tried surfing, I seemed to have the easiest time with it. I had the patience to wait for a wave that looked promising, and the patience to wait for the right moment to stand up. Our instructor the first day told us that if we managed to catch one wave on our own and ride it in that was excellent, and I managed to ride quite a few in. Waiting, as any infertile can relate, has become my specialty and at least in the water it served me well.

On land, waiting hasn’t really helped. I didn’t take an hpt until yesterday afternoon, after getting some sleep after the 12-hour plane ride home. “Not Pregnant” the digital readout displayed – leaving no room for doubt. And I just got the call from the doctor’s office confirming it. So I guess it’s time to paddle back out and wait for another wave.

Expired

2005-05-19T17:17:00.000-04:00

Thanks for the recommendations ladies. I have to say I’m surprised at the advice. I think because I’m used to those women on bulletin boards that start testing at 9 dpo, I expected the opposite. Let me be clear – I was NEVER one of those women. Before taking progesterone I always waited for my period to show up. In fact, when I used one of the hpts in my pack of 3 last month, I noticed that they were past the expiration date. I had bought them when I first started ttc, to get one of my drugstore.com orders to qualify for free shipping, figuring that I’d need them pretty soon. Now it’s 2 years later and they’re beyond their “sold by” date. I couldn't help but think that I'm past my expiration date too.

So after thinking about your advice, I’ve decided to not pack a test. I’m so cheap I definitely won’t buy one there, and I know I can definitely wait it out. You guys are right - I should enjoy every minute of this vacation that I can. And if I get bad news on the 31st I’m counting on some support from you ladies, especially since D won’t be around to wipe away my tears.

But maybe, just maybe, I’ll want to celebrate.

Wanted: Advice and Opinions

2005-05-18T17:56:00.000-04:00

Hawaii. I’m headed to Hawaii! On Saturday D & I will meet my immediate family in San Francisco for my brother’s graduation from law school, then on Monday we all head to Kauai for 7 days, 6 nights of fun in the sun and family time.

Every year my parents take us on a family vacation. We all tend to get along well – though there is inevitably at least 1 major blow up between some pair along the way. But I love it; I love that my family remains this close and chooses to spend such time together (and of course, with the folks paying for it who’s going to complain?).

So what I’ve been trying to determine is do I test in Hawaii or not? Our last day there I’ll be 12 days past IUI. If I test that morning I either get to celebrate or commiserate with D and my family for at least part of the day. Using last month as a barometer, I wouldn’t get my period until I stopped the progesterone, so if I don’t use a hpt I have to wait for the call on 5/31 from the doc’s office. I don’t want to just wait for the call because I share an office with my assistant and I can’t bare the thought of learning the news – whichever way it may go – with another person in the room. Therefore, even if I don’t test in Hawaii, I would test the morning of the 31st before the blood draw so I could deal with my emotions before work.

D has a business trip scheduled for the immediate 2 weeks following vacation, so he won’t be home with me. The only way I will be able to tell him personally the result of this cycle is if I test in Hawaii, potentially ruining my last day there. On the other hand if it were good news I’d be able to tell my family in person (along with D) and wouldn’t that be lovely?

So this is the question I can’t answer yet. Along with my worries about what to do next cycle if this one is a bust. With D gone from 5/30 – 6/11 it’s not easy to plan.

Any advice?

Now.

2005-05-17T14:11:00.000-04:00

My problem (okay, one of my problems) with the start of the two-week wait is that I always focus on the end of the two-week wait. I spend hours imagining telling D the happy news, figuring out how and when I’ll tell my parents, friends and co-workers. Then I switch gears and spend more hours determining what I’ll be going through next cycle, which day I’ll start drugs, when I’ll ovulate, when we’ll need to start having sex. Either way it’s bad because I’m focusing on the future and ignoring the now. And that has really become the worst side effect of infertility – I can rarely get myself to live in the moment.

Now I have a wonderful, loving husband to support me. Now I have a job I enjoy, it’s challenging, but not stressful. Now I have a strong family and fan-club of friends who adore me. There is so much to be happy about, but I have trouble seeing it. I really want to enjoy the now, because everything could be different in two weeks.

p.s. Thanks P., for telling me how to fix my page!

All systems go.

2005-05-16T15:41:00.000-04:00

Ah, the 2-week wait, I’ve found you again.

I’m pleased to report that all went well with the actual IUI this morning. The doctor actually doing the inseminating was lovely. She praised D.’s sample effusively (after wash: volume .5ml; conc: 180 x 1,000,000; motility: 94%; progression: a) and commented that I had responded well to the bravelle (confirming my 2 18+ follicles, plus some 14s which might have caught up). The IUI was one of the more painless ones I’ve had; she said it was clean and I didn’t bleed. I kept my fingers crossed, literally, while undergoing the procedure. I start progesterone suppositories (how fun!!!) on Wednesday. We’ve done all we can do. Now we wait. And hope.

Believe.

2005-05-15T14:02:00.000-04:00

Okay. This is going to be THE cycle. It’s going to work this time. I’m sick of being depressed and pessimistic – from here on out it’s all roses and daffodils. After all, the name of the blog is WHY NOT US? If the freakin’ Sox can come back from 3 games to none to defeat the evil empire, surely D.’s sperm can unite with my specially produced egg. Summer of morning sickness, here I come. Please!

At yesterday’s ultrasound my personal R.E. wielded the wand. He was “very pleased” with what he saw. Besides the cyst in my right ovary, I had two 18.5 follicles. He joked that with two such follicles on the right side, I’d have a left-handed baby. And then clarified that he was only kidding – that there’s no correlation and he has to be careful ‘cuz people take what he says seriously. He cracks me up – but only after he’s left the room and I’ve thought about what he’s said, ‘cuz in the moment I’m way too focused on trying to distill what he thinks the chances of success will be. Did you note how he said I would “have a baby?” I know it was a joke, and doesn’t mean a single thing, but g-d damn it was good to hear. I am going to have a baby.

We triggered last night and go in tomorrow morning for IUI #5, the one that will work.

I also just want to take a moment here to extol the praises of Freedom Drug. They rock. Stupid me completely spaced on the fact that I needed Ovidrel for this round. Since I had left over Bravelle from last cycle I didn’t place the big drug order on cd1, and it wasn’t until I was at the clinic Friday morning that I remembered I needed the hcg. So I got a prescription then, figuring that in my worst-case scenario, if I had to trigger Fri. night I’d find a pharmacy in the city that had it, and pick it up after work. But as it turned out I didn’t have to trigger Friday, so I called my friends at Freedom Drug and they arranged for the medication to be delivered to my apartment by UPS Saturday morning. Great.

Yesterday at 2:30 pm, I realized UPS had yet to show up. Freedom Drug had said it would be delivered by noon. I call Freedom Drug, they do the research and find that UPS claims they tried to deliver it at 1:33 but no one was home. And yet, D and I had been playing Grand Theft Auto in our living room for the past 2 hours, so the UPS guy was on crack. Freedom Drug girl was SO nice and totally had my back. She conferenced the UPS rep on the phone with us and took complete charge of the situation: “She needs the medication. She was home. It’s been less than an hour, surely the driver is still out.” And when UPS failed to do anything to rectify the situation she arranged for a local pharmacy to messenger it to me that afternoon, at no additional cost to me. How freakin’ cool is that?

I’m telling you, this month the curse is being reversed.